


More than Meets the Eye

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Cuddling & Snuggling, Happy Ending, I'll update regularly, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Room of Requirement, Room of Requirement Shenanigans, Sad Severus Snape, Self Harm, Self-Harm, Severus Snape Needs a Hug, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Triggers, Young Love, Young Marauders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21646294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The Marauders may call Severus Snape words like "moody" and "cruel". But none of them had ever got to know him properly. No one knew what was really going on in his head. Until today.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Comments: 99
Kudos: 272





	1. The Apology

**Author's Note:**

> Possible triggers. Self harm, depression. Somewhat mild, but still there.  
> Although this story isn't actually as dark as it seems.

  
Horror. Pure, unwavering horror. That's what he first felt when he saw Remus's transformation. He knew, by theory, it was a scary sight, but never thought it would be so painful to watch. His bones cracking, his skin stretching and tearing, his bloodshot eyes, filled with so much pain, while his agonizing screams filled the shack. It made Severus actually feel horrible for the werewolf.

But he was terrified too. The other three were nowhere to be seen, while Severus was stuck there, transfixed in his spot. He could see the werewolf look towards him, his piercing eyes burning holes in Severus's. The threatening teeth, and lean, scratched body.

The transformed werewolf looked nothing like the quiet Lupin in school. This one looked menacing. It was approaching him, it's dark, amber eyes fixed on his. And that's when he woke up, covered in cold sweat.

It took a minute for his breathing and heart rate to return to normal. The Slytherin laid down on his bed again, wiping the cold sweat off of his face. The nightmare had made frequent visits to Severus's sleep. It was always the same, though still as terrifying every time. It was four days ago, since the seemingly innocent prank was played on him. The same dream, but in real life. Severus had definitely marked it down as one of the worst experiences he'd ever had in his entire life, and that was saying a lot. 

The room was dimly lit, despite the heavy, deep green curtains hanging from the windows, meaning it must've been early morning. There was no point in going back to sleep now. Severus slowly got up from his small, four poster bed, and made his way to the common room.

There was something mysteriously beautiful about the empty common room. The rich burgundy couches were all to himself. The cold, grey walls, with the elaborate triforiums, along with the tinted windows facing the lake. There was something almost mystical about it.

Severus went towards the marble table, and reached under it to get his collection of drawings. He went back to finishing one of them. It always calmed him down, at least, in a safer way than the scars on his wrist. He pulled up his sleeve, and saw all the ragged tears across his pale skin. Thank god for long, loose robes.

His sketchpad had been unwillingly showcased by James, Sirius and Peter way too many times, so he eventually learnt how to keep his drawings secret. Saving them as separate sheets, hiding them in the Slytherin dormitory and common room. The gang were always out to get him, always hexing him, and pranking him. Sure it was normal now, but it still hurt.

* * *

As Severus made his way out of the breakfast hall, he caught a look of the gang on their house's table. The ones who always tormented him. They were all laughing hysterically at something, except for Lupin, who had just returned today. Dark circles, pale skin, wrinkled eyes and scratch marks all over his face.

The Gryffindor was staring somewhere else, worrying about something. What was that about? That's when Sirius caught Severus staring. Which was a cue for Severus to leave the breakfast hall as fast as he could.

Care of Magical Creatures was first, and better yet, with Gryffindor. Severus was making his way downstairs behind the rest of the Slytherins, when he heard someone shout his name. It was a familiar voice. But confusing nonetheless. Remus Lupin. The same werewolf who had stricken fear in Severus by attacking him just four days ago. He was running after him.

His voice was weak and tired, but extremely sincere and sorrowful. "I came to say, I- I'm really, really sorry. I never knew they'd do that to you- and I- I'm sorry if- oh god hey!" Someone had clashed into them, causing them both to topple over onto the ground. "Hey, what was that for?! Shit, I mean, I'm so sorry..."

Remus's eyes had caught on to Severus's wrists "Wait, what are those?" Shit. His wrists were scarred with multiple white and red cuts and tears. Some faded, some new. Shit. Severus was terrified. No one was supposed to know about it. So he did the first thing he could think of. He ran.

He ran as fast as he could to the bathroom. The only place he could get any privacy. He slammed the cubicle door shut, and stood with his back against the wall, trying to calm his breathing down, until he broke down into silent sobs. Because god forbid anyone ever hears that Severus Snape, of all people, actually has emotions.

Severus never wanted anyone to know. He kept thoughts were spiralling down into a series of _"tell me that didn't happen",_ and _"why did I have to be so horrible at hiding them?"_ and _"why did he have to see them?"_ Then a thought hit him. It made his heart stop and his blood run cold. Shit. Lupin was going to tell everyone. His parents would find out, and boy would he be screwed. This destructive spiral of thoughts was disturbed when Severus heard a knock on the door. Rubbing his eyes, he opened it, having a good idea of who it was. Remus Lupin.


	2. Guilty Pleasure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is kinda important to the story, but sorry it's so boring (in my opinion). don't worry, it'll get more interesting later on (next chapter). there might be a few mistakes, i wrote this late in the night. 
> 
> SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.
> 
> Possible trigger warnings: internalized homophobia and self harm. Again, somewhat mild, but still there.

Severus's mind was being pulled in hundreds of different directions. His mind was racing, and his breathing was getting way too unsteady. _What was he going to do now? What would Lupin say? What should he do? Why did this have to happen? Why? Shit, why?_ With all these thoughts running around, Severus didn't even realise the surprisingly soft skin touching his wrist. But, he flinched away. He didn't want to be touched. He hated contact. Or maybe he was just starved of it.

"Listen, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. God, We- I never knew," Remus's voice had started cracking. There was so much guilt in it, bringing a lump in Severus's throat. "If I did, I swear I wouldn't have allowed them to- shit- we shouldn't have, I just, listen, I'm so sorry," he continued.

"If you ever, you know, want to talk, you _do_ know you can talk to me, I promise,". The last sentence brought stinging tears to the Slytherin's eyes, which he quickly blinked away. Never, in his entire life, had he ever been cared about. Except for Lily. But that didn't end well. He forced thoughts about her out of his head, which was surprisingly easier than before.

Severus had never noticed the way Remus's eyes shone in the light. The normal, brown, turning into an enchanting honey colour. And they were filled with so much emotion and feeling, like a comfort Severus had never felt. His messy hair strands were falling in one direction, with contrasting warm waves. 

_Why was he noticing all of this? Why was he staring?!_

He really wanted to accept Remus's offer. He opened his mouth to say yes, when a thought hit him hard. _What if it was a prank? What if the sympathy was fake? I mean, sure it sounded real, but what if? Shit. He couldn't risk it._

So despite the confusing, glowing feeling, that feeling of hope Remus's words brought to him, he pushed past the lanky boy, and rushed outside. He could feel Remus's sympathetic, sorrowful eyes follow him out. And he regretted it immediately. He could physically feel his stomach sink, and the lump in his throat become heavier. Blinking his tears away, he reminded himself that this was for his own good, and that Remus didn't actually care about him. 

* * *

The lessons all passed by in a blur. He couldn't stop thinking about a certain Gryffindor for some reason. The image of those eyes, that smile, his hair falling in waves, messily, but somehow still perfect. God, it was stuck in his mind. Lunch came by, and saw Severus sitting in his normal place, under the shade of a tree.

But someone else was watching too. Remus, his worried eyes stuck on Severus. He wasn't smiling like the others. He looked worried and sick. It was almost heartbreaking. Like all the beauty had been drained from him. _Beauty?! What the hell?_

And that's probably the moment Severus could say it hit him. And boy, it hit him like a train. There was a reason for these thoughts. There was a reason his eyes always rested upon a certain Gryffindor. There was a reason. And shit, he didn't like it.

Severus Snape had fallen in love with Remus Lupin. It wasn't just a crush. He knew it. It was more than that.

 _Shit. Why?_ Severus cringed. _This couldn't be happening. How even did it? Who falls in love with their bully?_ Although, as he looked back, Remus never bullied _him_ directly. In fact, he was usually the reason the bullying never went too far.

But god, this couldn't be happening. It just wasn't right. That's what he heard his father say once. _Boys weren't supposed to like other boys._ This wasn't supposed to happen. Shit. Shit. Shit. _What would his father say? He'd be beaten, and screamed at, and_ -

His thoughts were interrupted by a familiar sight. The same faces he got used to seeing almost everyday now.

James was approaching him, wand in hand. Severus braced himself for a sharp pain. Usually he'd be hoisted up into the air by an invisible rope tied to his foot. Sometimes his wand would be flicked out of his hand, as someone else grabbed it and ran away with it.

However, before anything could happen, Remus was there, shouting at James. Shouting about how Severus was also human. It made Severus's stomach flip, and his heart feel warm. He felt like smiling. Or crying. Or both. 

And that's when Remus caught him staring at him. The look on Remus's face was sad. But maybe a faded, sympathetic, smile? Or was Severus looking too deep? But if it was a smile, it was beautiful. It felt like home. Shit. Severus couldn't do this. This isn't how things were supposed to be. And anyway, it wouldn't end well. Remus had probably dated hundreds of girls in the past four years they'd been in Hogwarts. And even if he was attracted to boys, it's not like anyone would ever want to date Severus Snape, of all people. 

Severus mouthed a "thank you" to Remus, who responded with a light smile and knowing look. One that made Severus's heart ache. As he walked away from the scene, he could feel eyes on him, looking back, he saw Remus staring at him. The Gryffindor's gaze shifted awkwardly after making eye contact. 

* * *

  
Night time arrived fairly quickly. The nights were always Severus's favourite part of Hogwarts. While everyone was tucked up in bed, Severus quietly made his way toward the dungeon doors, and walked outside the Slytherin dorms. The portraits were asleep, and none of them knew about his nightly adventures. He did this most nights. Sneaking out of the room, making his way to the place he was sure no one else knew about. Often called, the come and go room, the Room of Requirement was definitely one of his favourite parts of Hogwarts. And the best part was, no one knew about his secret journeys to the room. Until today.

* * *

On the other side of the castle, a certain Gryffindor couldn't get any sleep. The Marauder's map was out, spread across the bed. Remus found an odd comfort, looking at the different names, and their positions in Hogwarts. The different names all stayed still; everyone was asleep. Except for one. Severus Snape's mark had caught Remus's eyes. _What the hell was Severus doing this late in the night? And where was he going?_

So, with these thoughts filling Remus's head, he quietly made his mind up to follow Severus. Map in hand, he slowly, as to not wake the others, got up out of bed. He couldn't exactly pinpoint why it was so important to know where Severus was, and what he was doing. But with curiosity and, what might've been the slightest amount of passion, Remus followed the dot.

"Lumos," muttered Remus, drawing out his wand. He had climbed to the seventh floor, and seen the Slytherin's dot pacing outside this wall. Or that's what he thought it was, before he lifted up his wand. The light at the end of his wand illuminated a door forming from the wall, bolts and wood forming from nothing. It was an enchanting sight, how did the Maruaders not know about this?

Severus was standing there in his own bliss, looking more relaxed than ever. There was a mysterious charm to Severus's face, when he smiled. Until he saw the light illuminating Remus's face. That's when he flinched away, fear filling his wide eyes, breaking Remus's heart. Remus knew what flinching in fear away easily meant. Severus's home couldn't have been nice. No wonder he looked so relaxed now. And no wonder he hurt himself.

Severus pushed the door open, looking behind to Remus, welcoming him inside. And boy, was it heartbreaking. A mostly empty room, except for a table holding a few blades, bandages, and his sketchpad, which Remus recognised, due to his friends' sadistic pranks. There were a few bottles of substances, that thankfully didn't look poisonous, more like anti-infectious potions.The walls were white, but the room was still dark due to the almost complete lack of windows. The room almost looked like a prison.

It looked so uncomfortable though, and felt so foreign. A lump formed in Remus's throat. Was this actually what Severus was comfortable with? Was this was he looked forward to everyday? Remus couldn't stand it, it had to change. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!


	3. Room of Requirement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit, i'm sorry this was so late. i didn't mean to post this chapter so late, i'm so sorry. but i'm working on the next chapter already, so don't worry.

_What the hell is he doing here?! Why is he still awake?! What's happening? What should I do? Merlin, I'm dead._ These thoughts kept swirling around Severus's mind. _But what's the point of hiding it anymore? Besides, maybe Remus would understand._ Severus pushed open the door, knowing it would probably be the worst thing he could do. And Remus's look of shock and dread was definitely not what Severus was expecting. Instead of running away, like Lily did, he just stood there. A range of emotions passed his face, varying from guilt to anger, and sadness to shock.

"Aren't-" Severus started. His voice was breaking, so he cleared his throat and went on. "Aren't you going to run- run away?" 

The look of absolute sadness that crossed Remus's face brought tears that stung Severus's eyes. "No, of course not! I- I just want to help you. Please, you can't keep doing this, please," said Remus, his normally calm and composed voice now strained and breaking.

He snatched away the objects on the table, bringing a panicked look across Severus's face. This was the only thing keeping him sane, the only reason he was able to cope. It couldn't be taken away from him, he wouldn't be able to live without it. He tried to shout, scream, do something to keep Remus from taking them away, but the only thing that came out, barely a whimper, was "No, please, please don't."

Remus's eyes met his. And Merlin, Severus could drown in them. "Listen," started the Gryffindor's warm but flurried voice. "I'm not going to allow you to keep doing this. I just- I can't watch you do this to yourself. If it means I'll have to stay with you the entire night, then sure I will," bringing a panicked look and deep blush to Severus's face. 

Remus suddenly looked down and started flushing furiously after realising what he'd just said. But to his relief, Severus slowly nodded, before turning his head towards a sofa that appeared towards the end of the wall, making Remus's heart flutter. Were they really going to stay here the whole night? Remus couldn't put his finger on why the thought made him feel so happy.

He made his way to the couch, which was softer than he expected it to be, with Severus following behind him. They both slumped onto the sofa. Severus was making himself comfortable by moving one of the pillows, accidently brushing his arm against Remus's arm. The contact sent something, similar to electricity, through Remus's body, making his stomach flip, and his insides feel warm. Oh boy. He recognised this feeling. This couldn't be happening.

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Remus. Severus made the smallest shake of his head. He never wanted anyone to know. This wasn't something he was going to talk about. At least, not now. But god, he wanted to tell someone. He was so sick of keeping it all inside himself.

Instead, he curled up into a fetal position, half sitting, and asked a question Remus wasn't prepared for. "Why're you suddenly paying attention to me? I'm not that special, and i'm not exactly the nicest person, so why?"

Severus looked different right now. The constant crease between his brows had disappeared, his eyes weren't so crinkled, and just looked so... _relaxed_. The walls he built around himself had almost disappeared, and he'd almost completely let his guard down. He looked so much younger and delicate, but in a beautiful way, now. Remus silently wished he was always like this.

As Remus returned to the situation, he realised what he'd been asked. He couldn't tell the truth, obviously, so what should he make up? "Uh.. umm... I- uh," he stuttered. "I guess, it- it's because- I mean, no one should ever feel so much pain that they hurt themselves to cope with it. It's wrong, and- I just- I don't want you, or anyone, to ever have to go through this, at least not alone," he continued, slowly realising it wasn't a lie at all.

Making him blush, he saw tears starting to form in Severus's eyes. The glassy eyes, normally so sharp and cold, were now wide and filled with emotion. He heard a muttered "I'm sorry," which followed with Remus saying something Severus would never forget.

"No, don't. Don't apologise. You know, you're only human, you can't constantly live up to these huge expectations, nobody can. Just- listen- don't ever apologise for being human," 

Severus couldn't control it. He let tears slide down his face, there was no point in wiping them away. It was scary and humiliating, because Remus was probably the first person he'd ever cried in front of. Merlin, he was such a wreck today. The silent tears made Remus's heart clench, and it the lump in his throat appeared again. 

They layed down together for a long time. Remus could've sworn he remembered something, or rather someone, soft and warm cuddling him at one point.

* * *

Remus had no idea how long they'd been out. He'd just woken up, finding Severus's body curled up, intertwining with his own. He tried to separate himself as silently as possible, trying not to disturb the other. The sofa they'd fallen asleep on had converted into an extended bed. Remus blushed at the sight of it, feeling extremely embarrassed, but somewhat warm, after imagining what last night must've been like. 

The Marauder's map was sprawled out, blank (thank Merlin), on the floor. Severus was still asleep, curled up in a ball. It was the cutest sight ever, he looked so much younger and more relaxed. Remus had to physically stop himself from embracing him. He was almost definitely straight anyway. _Remember, Lily?_ Anyway, there's no way he'd ever like Remus Lupin of all people.

Remus heard soft chatter outside. Shit, they were late. Really late. He wished and silently asked for a way to escape discretely, so he could clean up and get changed. And so no one would ever find out what had happened behind these walls. A door appeared at the opposite side of the room, hopefully away from the crowded parts. Remus pushed against Severus's shoulder, the contact making him glow on the inside. He tried hard and failed to stifle laughter as he saw the flurry of panic enter Severus's eyes, earning him a cold glare. _Merlin, Severus looked good even when he was mad._

They both made their way toward the door, chattering and laughing, which was something Severus never did. Remus swung it open, and his eyes filled with absolute horror, while immense panic had taken over Severus as they looked in front of them. Minerva McGonagall was standing right outside the door.

"So I'm assuming you boys found the Room of Requirement, and simply decided to spend the night there?" It was said in her sharp, furious voice, with her trademark Scottish accent. Shit. Now they were really screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah yes, shit has started happening.


	4. Firewhisky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i'm really sorry for taking ten years, but then again, there was a funny story. the internet went out, and then i accidentally deleted my draft. but god, i'm really sorry to anyone who's still reading this...

  
They were sitting in McGonagall's office. With absolutely no explanation for why they were wondering the halls during night hours, and spent the night in a room only a few people knew existed. Now they were in really deep trouble.

She was staring at them, her sharp eyes boring into their fearful ones. Her expression looked furious, and scary, but at the same time, disappointed.

"Severus Snape and Remus Lupin, the two students I expected more from!" she almost shouted. She continued, more exasperatedly "Seems like Black has had a bad influence on you, Remus, and Severus, I so badly wanted to be wrong about you," making both the students feel guilty.

"Detention it is, then. I want you two to meet Hagrid and I at the Forbidden Forest, tomorrow night," she snapped, in a harsher voice, putting a look of shock on both the student's faces. The Forbidden forest was, well, forbidden. No one was ever allowed to go there. Severus opened his mouth to say something, but closed it, realising better.

They both ran outside, already late for their classes. Remus turned to speak to Severus, but saw him running away in the other direction, ignoring Remus's calls. Remus's stomach lurched. Was he angry about detention? Did he blame it on Remus? Shit- did he know about the awkward cuddling that happened last night? 

_Shit. No. Oh god, no. Merlin's beard, no no no. What if Severus told someone? Did he hate it? What if the others found out? Shit, they'd be disgusted. He'd lose his friends. Merlin, well done, Remus, you idiot!_

Remus felt a wave of guilt and terror take over him, which was a feeling that he was one too familiar, but definitely still too painful. He reluctantly walked towards his next class, trying his best not to be noticed by the others, as he had way too much on his mind to deal with them.

* * *

Severus, on the other hand, was in total panic. He'd just woken up to something he never thought would happen. _Did Remus hate it? Well, obviously he did! And now he, Severus of all people, had detention, after remaining in the shadows for so long! God, he was a total wreck._ He couldn't go to class. With the other Slytherins mocking him for being such a wimp, and having to mug up everything in class to stay out of trouble. _Honestly, no wonder his father despised him._

Instead, he wandered toward the one-eyed witch statue, which no one knew the secret behind. It was a secret way to Hogsmeade, and one that he used regularly. Walking through the murky tunnel seemed to clear his mind. Maybe it was the cool air, or the smell of the stone and earth.

He appeared at the cellar, casting a disillusionment charm which sent shivers down his spine. Climbing down the stairs, he saw that the cashier wasn't even there. So he quietly opened the door and made his way out, to take a breath of fresh air and immerse himself in his thoughts.

The real beauty of the town could only be noticed when it was empty. The dew drops hanging from the tips of leaves, or the way the sun made the puddles and unmelted snow glimmer. The buildings with their contrasting textures but monotone colours, which calmed Severus's mind down for some reason. There was a different type of magic to it. Severus quietly wished the town was always like this. It was beautiful.

After rising from his ocean of daydreams, he noticed the creaky old building outside of him. The wood was peeling off, and a poor quality sign read "The Hog's Head,". Severus had heard about this place. He'd also heard about his friends buying some firewhisky here. They seemed to like the substance, and offered it to Severus many times before. How could it hurt to try?

He waved his wand aimlessly over his head, casting off the charm, which made him feel much warmer. "Uh, ahem," he cleared his throat, which was a bit too hoarse, and continued, "May I have three bottles of those?" pointing towards the bottles. The bartender didn't seem to care, as he lazily waved his wand, making three bottles appear before him.

Severus stared in awe at them. _Was he really ready to do this at sixteen? Was he ready to become... like his father? Like the man he'd hated for so long now?_

He didn't know, and was completely tuned out due to the debate raging inside him. He finally decided to take them, leaving a few coins on the bar, and casting another charm over the bag he carried them in. 

Severus didn't know how long he wandered around the empty town, but it must've been hours. He'd done it before, and no ever noticed. He couldn't tell whether no one noticing was good or not, but he sometimes did desperately wish Lily came back. Because she noticed when he was gone, or when he wasn't okay. And she cared. Or, at least, she used to.

* * *

Remus wandered into the third class of the day, feeling a little nervous as it was with Slytherin. Butterflies were invading his stomach at the thought of seeing Severus again. However, when his eyes scanned the Slytherins, he couldn't find Severus's face. 

This made Remus worry a lot. _Why wasn't he at class? Where was he? What was he doing?_ He felt embarrassed at where his stream of thoughts was leading him to, but anyways excused himself from class to go get the map. And boy was it a surprise when he'd looked at it.

Severus wasn't in the castle. He seemed to be somewhere in the walls, though that couldn't be possible. But the map never lied. He looked to be walking in a straight line toward one end of the castle. Remus dashed there, only to find Severus appearing out of a passage he never knew existed. But the bad part was, the charm he set onto the bag was wearing off, so Remus could see the bottles of alcohol present in them.

Severus ran off before Remus could get a word in, again. Reluctantly, Remus walked toward his class, while mindlessly going through the rest of his day, with his mind still stuck on a certain Slytherin.

* * *

Remus didn't sleep well that night. He would've looked for Severus, but his friends had called him to talk about prank ideas they could play on the Slytherins. However, Remus turned in relatively early, worrying the others, though he assured them he was alright.

He tossed and turned, and imagined how bad it would be to find Severus Snape, of all people, drunk. The thoughts put him in a state of fear. But the worst part was that this wasn't something he could talk about with his friends though, they'd think he was crazy. So he just stayed awake, pretending to sleep, as to not hurt the others.

Remus woke up late. Which might've been a sign that something was wrong. Remus almost never woke up late (except for the days around the full moon). However, none of the others noticed the tense look on his face, his eyebrows furrowed, and his snapping at everything. All he wanted was to see a plain and healthy Severus turning up at class during their first class, which was shared with Slytherin. 

But Merlin, he got far from what he wanted. Messy, especially greasy hair. Bloodshot, fierce eyes. Wrinkles under them. Even more furrowed eyebrows. An almost pallor. A tired look, with an almost angry expression. Remus hated seeing Severus like this. Like all the beauty had been drained from him. God, Remus needed to fix this fast. He couldn't stand seeing Severus this way.

Besides, he might fool the rest of the class, but there was no way he'd fool McGonagall tonight.


	5. Hospital Wing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible Trigger Warning: self harm and (accidental) suicide attempt. underage drinking too...

Severus woke up late the next morning. He could barely think without his head feeling like it was going to split open in pain, let alone remember what happened last night. His vision was blurry, and everything hurt, especially his head with every movement. Sweat was covering his body, and he felt extremely uncomfortable.

As he was trying to get up, he felt a sharp, prickling pain on his left arm. Shit. He pulled down the sleeve, dreading what he was going to see. Merlin, it was bad. Deep cuts that might've been magical, as they were still raw and lightly staining the sheets. Shit, there was normally no more than a little crimson rising above the cuts. It usually healed by now.

But he couldn't go to Madam Pomfrey, as the almost-lacerations were clearly self inflicted. So he hastily wrapped a white bandage around them, putting the worrying thought off.

Cursing loudly due to his raging headache, he slowly got up and got changed. He rushed to go get changed, and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. And the sight almost made him cry. He looked just like his father. The bloodshot eyes with dark shadows, the messy black hair, the cut lips. He hated his reflection.

After changing messily, he scrambled downstairs, skipping breakfast as the thought of food made him feel sick. The first two classes passed through in a blur, however the third one, charms, was with Gryffindor, so he'd snapped back into the constant self-consciousness, trying his hardest not to stare.

But this time, it wasn't Severus staring, it was Remus. Severus could feel Remus's eyes following him as he ran into class, trying to hide his throbbing forearm, as he caught it on something sharp. He took his place next to one of the other Slytherins, who gave him a shifty grin.

He looked towards the charms teacher, who was fiddling with some rolls of parchment. Then he heard the dreaded words. "Alright students, for today's class, you'll need to partner up!"

He could see Remus walking towards him, and softly grabbing his arm, thankfully his right one. The contact produced raging butterflies in his stomach. Remus softly whispered something, but Severus was unable to make out what he said with his distracted mind and aching head.

And he could feel a stream of blood trickling down his left forearm. Shit.

"Okay students, nice to see that you're all partnered up! Please practice the Accio charm, and take it in turns," said the charms professor, trying to be heard over all the noise.

Shit. He needed to get out of class and put a healing charm on his arm _now_. Dear Merlin, he needed to get out as quick as he could.

"Hello? What's happened to you today?" asked Remus in a gentle but pleading voice, making Severus feel guilty. "I saw the bottles of firewhiskey from yesterday, is that the reason?" 

"Do you need an answer?" snapped Severus, with a scowl on his face. 

And then it hit him. Severus suddenly felt sick and faint. He couldn't stand properly anymore, and he felt extremely weak. Remus must've noticed, as he frantically asked "Hey- hey, what's wrong, are you okay?"

Severus couldn't stand it all anymore. The noise, the sights, the dizziness. He ran outside the class, as far away from class as he could manage, knowing well that the professor wouldn't have noticed. Leaning against one of the walls, he started gasping for breath, while trying hard not to throw up. He squeezed his eyes shut, and tried to stay conscious, and ignoring his throbbing headache.

But sure enough, in a matter of minutes, Remus found him sobbing and gasping for air in a deserted corridor. And Merlin it was scary. Severus was drained of all colour, his knees and arms were shaking uncontrollably. But there was something about seeing Severus look so defeated that put a lump in Remus's throat.

"Hey, don't worry, it's okay, Severus," he whispered in a gentle smooth voice, that seemed to calm him down. But then Remus saw something that made his heart sink; streams of blood on the Slytherin's hand, trailing from his wrist. And shit, he must've hit an artery or something for it to be bleeding this badly.

"Shit Sev, you need to visit Madam Pomfrey," he said in a panicked tone, blushing slightly at the nickname he'd accidentally used. Remus ushered a slightly calmer Severus to the hospital wing.

By the time they arrived, Severus was worryingly pale and shaking badly, not to mention hyperventilating and barely able to walk. Remus left him at the doorway to the hospital wing as he rushed inside to call her.

_Shit. No. Why did this happen? God, Merlin, why? What if we didn't get there in time? What if there's an infection? Why couldn't he have told me? Shouldn't I have known? Should I have said something? What am I supposed to say now?_

Remus was feeling a lot of things as he rushed to call Madam Pomfrey, but mostly guilt and panic. He knew how fast it took to die- Remus flinched at the mere thought of the word- of blood loss. Merlin knows he had his own near-death experiences far too many times.

But he hoped and wished Severus would be alright.

* * *

Severus woke up in an unfamiliar sight. Clean white beds, a large, mostly empty room, except for the other small beds and tabled crammed with potions and ailments. The giant clock showed that it was quarter to nine. Shit, his memory of the morning was really fuzzy.

But he started blushing furiously when he remembered how pathetic he'd been acting in front of Remus. _Shit, why didn't I pull myself together? Why did Remus have to see me like that? Shit, he's probably telling everyone, or judging me badly-_

The chain of thoughts was interrupted by Madam Pomfrey, who was giving him a somewhat sympathetic look. But she cleared her throat, and started speaking in a flat but gentle voice "It's not much to worry about, just a bad hangover- don't look at me like that, practically every fifth year has drunk at least once- and some major blood loss-"

But Severus stopped paying attention to her as he saw Remus burst into the room. "Is he oka- oh sweet Merlin, thank god, you're okay." He could see the Gryffindor practically melt in relief, and the colour returning to his face. He looked so happy and relieved, it almost made Severus cry to see how much he cared.

Madam Pomfrey rushed Remus out almost as soon as he came in, insisting that Severus needed "rest and sleep," which made Severus's heart sink slightly, but also made him feel a little relieved. He knew he'd have to answer to Remus at one point, and he couldn't bare to right now.

The matron rushed over to Severus's bed, and told him to drink a potion, that ended up making him very sleepy. So he drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep, probably the best he'd gotten in months.

* * *

Severus woke up to, what he considered, a beautiful view. Remus Lupin staring at him, and almost breaking into relief seeing him waking up. And then blushing when Severus caught him staring. Severus tried and failed to hide a smile. Merlin, Remus was adorable when he was embarrassed.

"How long have you been here?" asked Severus with a smirk.

"I- um, uh- um..." Remus looked at the floor. " _Why can't I pull myself together?_ " Remus asked himself while blushing furiously.

However, it seemed that a good sleep was all Severus needed, as he seemed to be in a really good mood today. "What, have I made the great Remus Lupin speechless?" he asked with fake shock. Shit, that wasn't meant to slip out.

Remus let out a small chuckle. "No, I just- I've been really worried about you, and I'm glad you're okay, I mean- you're a nice person- and I- uh..." Remus trailed off. _"Gay disaster"_ he thought to himself, while wishing the floor could swallow him whole.

That made Severus really smile, while trying to blink away tears. After Lily left, no one had ever even looked at him, let alone cared about him. "Thank you, that- that really means a lot to me- I uh- sorry- thank you," he dreamily trailed off.

Neither of them had anything to say. They just stared deeply into each other's eyes, and silently wished for the other to love them back. Until Madam Pomfrey, as usual, destroyed the moment, rushing Remus out, insisting that he was going to miss class.

The small yet heart warming conversation kept Severus feeling happy and light the entire day, which he spent in the hospital wing. _Merlin, Remus is turning me into such a sap,_ he thought to himself. But it kept him glowing inside, even with the intrusive thoughts of the dreaded, inevitable conversation he was going to have later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!:)


	6. Detention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof, long chapter. and also, i'm not bashing Hagrid or anything, don't get me wrong, he's amazing. and i have no idea how to catch (can you even??) a demiguise, so...   
> and also, sorry, there may be a few grammar (etc.) mistakes, because i wrote this late in the night.

Severus was released from the hospital wing the next day, which he spent dreaming and thinking about Remus. _Because Remus really cared._ for once, someone actually liked him. But he was scared. Scared of how huge this crush was. Scared of how it was taking over him. Scared of what people would say if they found out.

But most importantly, he was scared of facing Remus. There was something about the Gryffindor that pulled his guard down, and made him want to spill out everything bottled up inside him. He'd never felt this way before with anybody before, at all.

Severus stayed in this bubble of happiness for almost the entire day. Well, at least until before one of the Slytherins he'd hung out with after Lily left, Mulciber, sent that note during the last lesson. And the glint in his eyes made Severus's stomach knot uncomfortably. 

"Meet me in the common room at 11," it had read, in a black, messy scrawl. And knowing the type of person Mulciber was, the meeting wasn't going to be light-hearted and fun.

Shit. He had detention with McGonagall later that evening. It had been postponed due to Severus getting stuck in hospital, and Remus almost refusing to leave his side. Which often earned them knowing looks from Madam Pomfrey. They still didn't know what they were going to do in the Forbidden forest, but were weirdly excited.

* * *

"So, Moony, have you and Snivellus planned your wedding yet?" asked a smirking James in the Gryffindor dorms, sitting on his bed with a book in front of him. Sirius let out a barking laugh, while Peter tried to hide his sniggers.

Remus snapped into attention, suddenly looking up from the essay he was writing. "What even- what's that supposed to mean?" he asked confused and slightly blushing.

"Come on, Remus, we've seen the way you look at him, it's really not rocket science y'know," replied Sirius, trying to hide his creeping grin.

"I- I really- what- I'm not- I don't-" spluttered Remus, feeling his heart racing and his heartbeat in his throat.

"Come on, mate, we've known you for like, forever," said a bemused James. "Sadly, you're not as secretive and mysterious as you were in first year,"

"Yeah," added Sirius. "And, I mean, you're literally like James with Lily." Sirius pulled a face with exaggeratedly large eyes and an open mouth, gazing off, which was supposed to look like extreme awe.

James threw a pillow at Sirius's face, which sparked the start of a full on pillow war between the two. Remus, however, stayed quiet, trying to process what had been said. _They knew. Shit, they knew. Were they okay with it? Wait, how did they know?_ There were so many questions spinning around in his head.

"So- wait- how- how do you know?" he asked nervously, hands fidgeting with the hem of his jumper.

Sirius and James stopped dead, and burst out into laughter. Sirius wiped away a tear, while James clutched at his side. "Are you kidding me, Moony? How could you _not_ know? You're _always_ with him, you look at him like he's the sun, you freaked out when he went to the hospital wing, must I carry on?" shouted Sirius in between giggles.

Seeing the worried look in Remus's eyes, James quickly added, in a more sober tone "Hey, Remus, don't worry, we're fine with it. It's all good," making Remus let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "But I mean, out of _all_ people? I mean, come on, aren't Sirius and I _way_ hotter?"

All four of them cracked up. But Remus felt a weight lift off of his shoulders, and his chest untighten a little. He silently thanked Merlin for such amazing friends. Joining in the pillow fight, he threw a pillow at Sirius and Peter, while James aimed one at him. The rest of the afternoon was drowned n forgotten homework, laughter and pillows.

* * *

Severus's afternoon wasn't as pleasant, however. He had no idea where Remus was, and tried his best not to look around in hope of seeing the familiar face. Mulciber's note kept the knot in his stomach tied up tight. He knew, Lily had told him, that they weren't a good crowd. But they were the only ones who acknowledged his existence, so...

He was trying to work on his charms homework, but his mind was excessively distracted. It was supposed to be a side effect of the healing potion, but nevertheless, still annoying. But his eyes caught on to Lucius Malfoy, who was acting very strangely.

Lucius Malfoy was a Slytherin in the year above, and- Severus cringed as he realised- also his first crush. Ad he was acting off today. He usually acted like he was better than everyone else, but this time, it was different. He was acting like he had a huge secret, but his eyes were shining with pride and possibly excitement.

But Severus's eyes were drawn to Lucius's left arm, which the blonde boy kept massaging. The sleeves were covering his arm, so Severus couldn't see the cause of the discomfort. Which made Severus wonder, what could it be?

But Severus let out a gasp as he realised. All the pieces fell together, and his heart sunk as he saw the full picture. What Mulciber was offering. What Lucius was proud of. Why Lily was wary of them. He could imagine his own left forearm, and imagined how it'd look with the scars all covered up with the dark mark burned onto his skin. The same mark Lucius now sported.

Severus squeezed his eyes shut tightly. He wasn't ready for this. Joining the muggle and muggle born haters was only a way to spite his muggle father. But what about the decent ones like Lily, and- shit- Remus?

But he didn't have a choice. They'd all expect him to. He'd lose their friendship if he refused. And by then, Remus would've lost interest. And as much as he loved solitude, loneliness was painful.

Catching a look on the clock, he jumped out of bed, and rushed down to his detention. He would've normally loved some time alone with Remus, but right now, he just needed time to think. To clear his mind. Or maybe he just needed a distraction. Instead of the blades, it'd be this detention. Reluctantly, he made his way to the office, and opened the door. Shit, he was supposed to knock.

Stopping himself halfway through walking in, he knocked on the side of the open door.

"Come in, Mr Snape," McGonagall said sternly. She looked like she'd just tasted something sour. Remus was sitting in front of her, suddenly turning back to look at Severus, and seemed to sit a bit straighter as Severus flopped down on the chair. Severus noticed Remus's hands fidgeting, nervously, in his lap, while he was shaking his leg.

"For detention, Hagrid will be taking you through the Forbidden forest to help him search for some demiguises. They'll be useful in the O.W.L. level classes. Don't worry," she added, seeing the stricken looks on their face. "Hagrid will be with you, and I can assure you two that you'll be safe."

Severus made a huffing noise, and Remus looked at him in shock, his eyes narrowing accusingly at him. They got up, and hastily rushed out of the office as McGonagall told them to "Go along then," and made their way downstairs.

"Why do you hate Hagrid?" Remus finally asked, with a hint of disgust in his voice. Severus mumbled something long and inaudible, getting an irritated "hmphh?" from Remus.

"I said," shouted Severus angrily. He lowered his voice as he calmed down, and said "All the Slytherins hate him. He treats us like we're all evil, scheming brats. Wouldn't _you_ hate a teacher like that?"

Remus's expression softened at the explanation. He scrunched his face, as he realised how against-Slytherin Hagrid was. In fact, it wasn't just Hagrid, it was most the teachers. Who wouldn't turn sour and mean after going through all that hate?

"Wow, yeah, that must be harsh," said Remus. But to his surprise, Severus let out a harsh laugh.

"Harsh? Do you have any idea what it's like to be hated by everyone, including your own parents? And having no friends-" Severus froze when he realised. That was exactly what Remus felt like. In fact, being a werewolf, he had it much worse. What was Severus complaining about? "Shit, I'm sorry, I- sorry, let's just drop it,"

"Good idea," Remus said quietly. They stayed silent until they reached the hut.

* * *

"So, if yer see any beige or transparen' fur or anythin', it migh' be a demiguise. Off yer go then," said Hagrid, cheerfully. Remus was the first to break the awkward silence between them.

"So, do you have any idea where these things might be?" he asked, slightly exasperatedly. "Because I surely don't have any idea-"

But the rest of what Remus said was cut off, as Severus loudly whispered "Hey, look over there!" There was a glint of beige-ish fur shining in the moonlight behind dark tree bark. It was pretty far away from them and really hard to see in the dark. They got out the pouch of leaves they'd picked out earlier. Apparently, demiguises were drawn to those type of leaves.

The correct way to catch them, as explained by Hagrid, was to catch them unexpectedly. The creatures could tell the near future, so you had to catch them in an unpredictable way. So they laid a trail of leaves. Obviously, the demiguise expected something at the end of the trail, so catching it in the middle would be efficient.

"Why're we even doing this though?" asked Remus.

"Because demiguise fur can be useful, particularly in invisibility cloaks," replied Severus. Remus's thoughts immediately turned towards James's cloak. He tried to hide a grin as he remembered all the mischief they got up to in the early years.

Severus laid a trail of the leaves, which smelt like mint, in an almost straight line. They couldn't use their wands, so it was too dark to see much. But they could see the shiny figure, with big, bright, blue eyes, following the leaves, picking them up one by one.

They held their breath as they watched it pick up each leaf, smell it, and then eat it. It was fascinating to watch. These creatures were supposed to be pretty dangerous when provoked, so they were both pretty scared. Remus slowly got out his wand, ready to catch the creature.

He quickly whispered an inaudible charm, whipping out his wand, that seemed to caught the creature by the surprise. It's round eyes widened, and it's mouth formed a little "o". Remus and Severus laughed hard at the expression, as it was simply comical. The demiguise floated into a cage held by Hagrid, who was whooping at the side.

And for some reason, every other thing they saw along the way was funny too. Severus had never felt so happy to be with someone. It was all "James makes that face in front of Lily _all_ the time," and "Honestly, that's what I look like during Binn's tests,"

The amazing feeling made Severus and Remus forget the problem waiting for them. For Remus, his large piles of homework and never ending cycles. While for Severus, his major dilemma.

Severus departed Remus with a genuine smile, and his eyes filled with hope and happiness. Before Remus had left, they'd made a deal.

"Promise me, if you ever feel that way again, call me. Even if it's in the middle of class. Just don't destroy yourself like this. You could be so much, and I want you to live a much better life. I care, you know. Just, promise me, please,"

Severus had hesitated for a split second, but looking into Remus's eyes, he got all the reassurance he needed. Maybe, just maybe, he could get out of this. Clearing his throat, and taking a shaky breath, he said, very quietly "Yes Remus, I promise,"

But now, as Severus walked up to the dungeons, his mind fell back into the pit of darkness and scrambles thoughts. He muttered the password, and saw, sitting in an armchair, two people that made his heart sink. Malfoy and Mulciber.

All the happiness from detention had disappeared. And it looked like it was never coming back.


	7. Curses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for any grammar mistakes..

The fire was crackling loudly, but the room was still cold. The now much darker grey walls seemed foreign, while the curtains which he'd felt so comfortable before, seemed against him too. Severus stood there, uncomfortably, plastering on a blank expression. The glowing feeling he had in his stomach had completely disappeared, and was replaced by a sinking and slightly nauseous feeling.

He walked towards them, sitting down on one of the armchairs next to Lucius. Severus flinched as Lucius sat up, earning him a judging stare that might've been translated into "Are you really that fragile?"

Lucius sat there, laying back with his legs crossed. He almost looked regal. His silky blonde hair was carefully resting on his shoulders. It matched perfectly with his aristocratic features, and the thin, smug smile he wore. An older boy called Rosier was sitting next to him in a more casual posture, his legs spread, but sporting a wider grin, and eyes with glinting mischief in his eyes.

"So, Severus," began Lucius. His deep, calm voice echoed across the common room. "I called you here for a reason. Your time has come, to make a decision,"

Severus's stomach turned, and his skin felt too tight. Trying hard to keep his face clear of emotion, he slowly nodded, keeping his eyes fixed with Lucius's, which looked satisfied and proud. He shifted uncomfortably, mentally debating where to keep his hands. In the end, he decided his pockets. 

Lucius's smug grin was even wider now. "Will you join the Dark lord's army, and become one of his Death Eaters? Of course, the Dark lord was wary of offering you the Dark mark, but I personally assured him that you were reliable,"

Severus felt a stab of guilt at the word "reliable." What would his mother think of him doing this? Actually, she'd probably love for Severus to get revenge on his father; they both hated him. But Lily? And Remus? He loved them both, even if in different ways, and knew the harm that would come to them if the Dark lord's side won.

But, was it really worth risking his facade, a chance to have a place in life, and a chance to stop other people like his father? Just for two people he liked? No, it wasn't. Severus forced a wide smile, and said with a heavy voice "I would love to,"

And that's when they heard a loud scream coming from near the outside, making Severus's hair stand on end. He felt like he could recognise that scream. But Merlin, he hoped he was wrong.

* * *

Remus was walking down the corridors, making his way as he'd missed one of the staircases. He was smiling like an idiot, and couldn't hide the light in his eyes. As he turned around the corner, however, he saw a dark figure. 

The person, who Remus had established as a boy, started walking a bit faster, making Remus suspicious. He then whipped out his wand, and pointed it at Remus, as Remus quickly fumbled for his own. But he wasn't quick enough.

"Petrificus Totalus!" yelled the boy, and Remus froze, falling to the ground. His injuries from the moon a few days ago ached, and he tried to see past the blurriness to look at the person. He tried hard to break out of it, but it wasn't working.

The figure walked around Remus's body, picked up his wand, took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and yelled "Crucio!"

Remus screamed. It was almost the worst he'd ever felt before. White hot needles were piercing their way through every inch of his body, as the pain and electric shocks radiated in waves. His muscles were spasming, and it took all of Remus's effort to not peel his skin off. Because anything could be better than this. He was screaming so much that his head hurt, and his eyes were filled with tears. 

The curse broke off, and Remus quickly wiped away the tears in his eyes. He looked in front of him, to see another fifth year with familiar piercing blue eyes and a menacing smile. He didn't know the boy's name, but had seen him hanging with Severus a _lot_. They'd always be whispering in quiet, or walking around shady areas of the castle.

Remus's body felt weak, and the ghost of the pain still lingered on his skin. But he had to at least get a punch in. He wished he could torture the boy for all of eternity for the painful spell. Blocking out the thoughts, he quickly reached for the boy, and seemed to take him by surprise.

The boy lost his grip on his wand, and Remus snatched it and threw it away. He grabbed the boy's arm, and to his surprise, felt something that felt close to a scaly design, or large, twisty scar, which was burning. He looked down at what he'd felt, and his heartbeat increase rapidly. He could hear his pulse, and he suddenly felt light headed.

Another boy with greasy black hair, Severus, came rushing out of a large gate, or door, followed by a mildly surprised senior. Severus came rushing toward Remus, who fell against a wall as his knees gave way. Remus's breathing had gone awry, and his body ached again with the adrenaline gone. 

"Remus, oh god, what happened? Are you hurt?" Severus said in a panicky voice, followed by a disgusted look from the blonde senior at the door. "What's this- oh wait..." Severus sat up, turning towards the blue-eyed boy who attacked Remus.

"How- fucking- _dare_ you use that spell against him, Mulciber?!" Remus never heard Severus sound so filled with rage before. The usually flat voice sounded menacing, and honestly frightened Remus a little, but also made his heart warm. "Did he do fucking anything to you? How the _fuck_ can you justify this, you bloody bastard?!"

Severus raised his wand and shouted a curse that took Remus by surprise. But that surprise quickly turned into shock and horror when the boy- Mulciber apparently- dropped onto the floor, and blood started flowing quickly from several giant gashes that had appeared across his torso.

"Severus no!" shouted Remus, his voice thick with emotion. "no, Sev, don't please, he doesn't deserve to die, please!"

Severus looked extremely guilty, and looked like he was about to retort. But looking at the shock in Remus's voice, he blushed while leaning towards the gasping boy and muttering something that seemed to heal the wounds. 

He then pulled Remus up, the action producing raging butterflies in Remus's stomach as he tried to hide the blush, and turned his back on the blonde boy, who looked extremely shocked, and the boy- Mulciber. He helped a limping Remus, waiting for a few seconds for Remus to regain his balance.

* * *

The Gryffindor common room was very different from the Slytherin one. All the colours were warm, but not as comforting as the darker shades of the Slytherin one. The gold and red was draped proudly across most pf the furniture, and there were books piling up everywhere. It was actually pretty messy, but Remus must've been used to it, because he seemed comfortable.

He flopped down on the sofa, massaging his sides with a scrunched up face. Severus dragged his wand across Remus's skin, muttering a charm he'd heard his mother using on him and herself before. He winced as Remus flinched away at the contact, and realised what a monster he probably looked like.

"I'm sorry- I uh- I didn't mean to- I just-" Severus was stuttering. He took a deep breath, and said a bit slower "I'm sorry for that, I just- I lost it. I recognise the scars, it was the Cruciatus curse, and I got so mad- because pretty much no one, especially you, should ever deserve that. trust me, i know,"

"It- It's okay," said a blushing Remus. "But why do you- why did you get mad? I mean, haven't I been bothering these past two days? I was sort of under the impression that you were slightly irritated? I mean- sorry, i'm rambling..."

Severus smiled shyly. He'd heard James and Sirius talking about how difficult it was to get Remus to talk a lot. "I never hated you, or found you irritating. In fact, I rather enjoyed your company," he said blushing, knowing full well that he'd regret saying this in the morning.

Remus smiled too, and looked into Severus's eyes. Merlin, how he wished Remus would like his company that way too. Saying that might've been a bit revealing, but he just didn't care. Right now, he could sing about it for all anybody cared. He didn't care that his father found it wrong, he didn't care that the rest of the schoold would be disgusted.

But dragging himself back down to Earth, Severus reminded himself that Remus was a straight, probably homophobic boy, who was friends with James Potter and Sirius Black. The light feeling dimmed slightly.

At least until the adrenaline kicked in as Sirius entered the common room, and shouted loudly to Remus "Finally confessed then, Moony?"


	8. Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, sorry for all the angst and romantic tension, but okay, this chapter was kinda necessary... and also sorry for any grammar mistakes i may have made...

"Finally confessed then, Moony?"

The words echoed around the room. Remus could feel Severus's eyes on him, but couldn't bring himself to look back. He was filled with cold dread. His heart started beating rapidly and he felt a little dizzy. 

_What did Sirius just say? Did he really just say that? Am I dreaming? Would Severus know now? Shit. Shit. Shit. Why did this have to happen? Tell me it didn't happen. Oh no._

Sirius must've noticed the fear, as he suddenly looked up at a mildly confused Severus. "Hey Sniv, hope you're not irritating Remus here. He really is nice, being your friend and all. I really wouldn't have bothered," he sneered.

But Remus knew that Severus would want to know, and would probably stop at nothing to figure out. _Now what?_ He looked up at Severus who now looked suspicious. Who could blame him? He could feel a blush creeping up his neck. Remus sighed and got up from the sofa.

"Well, I better get to bed then," Remus said quietly. And looking up to the boy, with a small smile, he mumbled "Goodnight Sev, and thank you so much again,"

Severus blushed at the nickname, but replied with a quick "Goodnight." He had a lot on his mind at the moment. What was Remus going to confess? What was Remus hiding? Was Severus ever going to tell Remus? And with a sinking heart, Severus realised he still had a confused, angry Lucius Malfoy waiting for him in the common room.

* * *

Severus walked up to the Slytherin dungeons, the fading rage and confusion swirling around in his stomach. The familiar grey walls were looming up on him, but as was the feeling of unease. He could picture Lucius waiting for him, furious at Severus for standing up for a Gryffindor half-blood. He reached the doors, and muttered the password almost inaudibly.

The doors opened, revealing a flustered and shocked Lucius. His fingers were twirling the ends of his long strands of hair, and his eyes were narrowing accusingly at Severus. His gaze was piercing, worse than Mulciber and Rosier's, who looked positively disgusted.

Severus felt guilty at blowing his cover, but the rage returned as he caught Mulciber's eyes. It was a punch in his stomach, and his mind was swarming with regret and anger, but also relief. At least he wouldn't have to lie as much now that he'd made his choice.

Severus already knew his answer now. Lucius had described the Death Eaters at being courageous and fighting for the greater good, but he never realised the means they resorted to. _The cruciatus curse, for bloody Merlin's sake!_ The Death Eaters always seemed like such an elite group, at least, until today. Today they showed their true colours.

Sadistic. Cruel. Bigoted.

Severus didn't want to be a part of any of it. No matter how much it meant for him and his mother, or Lucius, or Mulciber and Rosier. He wouldn't.

"So, Severus," came Lucius's deep voice, clear with suppressed rage. "I was clearly mistaken. And I find myself disappointed. I saw you as one of the leading members of the Dark Lord's army, but it seems you have chosen _other_ ," his voice filled with disgust at the words, while his face scrunched up slightly, "people to support,"

"Well I'm not joining your side of bullies and criminals! Not if it means I have to go against my friends with illegal curses!" shouted Severus, almost red in the face. He knew what this statement meant. And he might be at risk of being murdered for it. But he'd rather be murdered for this, than murder others for a belief he didn't support.

"You will regret this, mark my words!" shouted back and equally angry Lucius.

"Oh really? Do you really think I will?" sneered Severus with a harsh laugh.

Lucius cleared his throat, before saying calmly, though his voice was shaking with suppressed rage "If you find a change of heart, don't hesitate to meet me and the others at the Hog's Head this weekend. He sent a cold glare, before straightening his robes and marching towards the dormitory. Rosier and Mulciber followed him, trying to keep up.

Shit. What did Severus just do? He'd just lost his only friends. Mulciber and Rosier were the only ones who really stood up for him, even if it meant firiing back curses and jinxes.

He hung his head, staring at the ceiling, and allowing black strands of hair fall off of his shoulders. He closed his eyes, and stood still as the realisation of what he'd just done take over. The wave of regret washed over him, and suddenly, he was drowning in a million emotions, making his chest hurt.

He dropped onto the sofa next to him, still warm from Lucius. He stared at the moonlight-illuminated table in front of him, and let his thoughts drift away, knowing full well he wouldn't get much sleep tonight.

* * *

"I'm sorry."

Remus didn't answer. He looked away outside the window, and saw the crescent moon. He was turning away to the dorm door, and could feel Sirius's sorry eyes follow him.

"I'm really sorry. I thought he knew. Did he not?" rambled a nervous Sirius chewing on the inside of his mouth. He was leaning against the bed banister, and the glare sent to him told him all he needed to know.

"Well what do you think?" asked a slightly agitated Remus.

"Shit, I'm sorry. I really am. But there's a chance he won't realise... right?"

"Yeah, if he's as ignorant as you were."

"Well, you never know..."

"Listen Sirius," Remus snapped. "Now he knows I have a secret. And trust me, it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes- never mind- he's going to find out. He already knows about... well... _that_ , but this would cost our friendship! He'd be disgusted!"

"Well, if he'd be disgusted, would he really be a friend?" asked Sirius, meeting Remus's fearful eyes.

"I guess- well- um-" Remus stuttered, looking away. Clearing his throat, he said "I just- I really don't want to lose him. I like him, a lot."

"Well yeah, I'm fine with _him_ being your friend, but if he's being mean to you, and if he's _disgusted_ of you, I don't want to see him anywhere near us," said Sirius, voice tensing at some of the words.

"No, he's actually really nice when you get to know him. You should try, you know."

"Ugh," Sirius spat, a grimace appearing on his face. " _I'm_ not getting friendly with Snivellus!"

* * *

It lasted around week. It was relatively awkward, for both Remus and Severus. They barely exchange a "hey," or a small smile when they saw each other. At least it wasn't as eventful as the last week. 

Both of them didn't want to mention what Sirius had said. Remus was scared, half expecting his secret to be written on a giant poster, hung up in the great hall, with a smirking Severus underneath. While Severus was worried for Remus. What else did he have to deal with, along with being a werewolf?!

But Severus was trying so hard. Because Remus told him not to. Remus didn't want him to. And he'd do it, even if only for Remus. But he couldn't bare to see Remus's disappointed face, eyes stricken with tired fear. He'd do it. He'd get over it. But Remus's distance wasn't exactly helping.

Severus didn't exactly know why Remus was suddenly avoiding him. He thought they'd be even better friends now, but clearly he was mistaken. Remus might've been mad at Severus. But why? Couldn't it be because of the curse Severus used.

But Remus would've confronted Severus about it. Besides, they were fine in the Gryffindor common room. Until... until Sirius made that comment. Severus gasped in shock when he realised. Remus really did have another secret. That he really wanted to keep from Severus. The Slytherin felt a little hurt at the idea, but that was for later. His thoughts immediately thought towards secrets most people hide. Most of them were impossible, though. If Severus wanted to know the secret, he'd need to ask Remus himself.

* * *

It was exactly ten days after the incident that Severus snapped. He couldn't take the silence. Actually, complete silence would be preferable to the small, forced smiles, and the constant fake "hi,"'s.

He cornered Remus after charms, when he saw Sirius, James and Peter telling him they'd be in detention. Remus was taking the long way to the Gryffindor dorm. Instead of taking the stairways, he was taking the corridors. Which past the Slytherin dorms. As Remus walked past the dungeons, Severus could've sworn he'd seen Remus faintly smiling while turning his head toward the doors, making his heart warm.

Remus paused before the last staircase. He stayed silent, and Severus could almost sense the hesitation. Which is when Remus heard a heavy breath being taken behind him. Remus turned around, and saw Severus's face, that might've looked a little too hurt. The eyes were drooping slightly, he looked tired. 

"We need to talk," said Severus in a low voice, that might've sounded weaker than he intended for it to.


	9. The Unwanted Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was more of a necessary chapter, so it's kind of boring. sorry for taking so long, and i promise they'll get their shit together soon!! and thanks for all the kudos and comments, they mean a lot to me!!!

Remus could feel his heart sink as he passed the Slytherin dungeons. It felt much colder than usual. A faint smile tugged at the edge of his mouth as he walked through, his footsteps echoing off the stone walls. Remus wished he could just burst in, and yell a declaration of love to Severus. But Severus didn't even want to talk to him. Severus would want to just forget everything and leave it all. And Remus couldn't blame him. But clearly, Remus was wrong. 

Remus's heart fluttered a bit as he saw the Slytherins crowding around the classroom. But somehow, Severus always seemed to stand out in a crowd, and always seemed to be the centre of Remus's attention.

And suddenly, Severus's eyes had caught on to Remus's. And Remus's fluttering heart sank as the dark haired boy rushed towards him. The thing was, Remus may have been book smart, but he was incredibly smart when it came to emotions as well. He could see through the fake smiles, the "I'm fine." He also knew how to spot wrinkles in eyes, dark shadows under them.

After all, he had so much practice looking at himself in the mirror, trying to spot anything that might reveal his emotions. It was like a ritual now, looking, trying to spot any features that might give it away. Sure, he had nice friends, but they'd done enough for him. They probably didn't want to hear about his other problems as well.

And right now, he could also see the pain that was clearly shining through Severus's tired eyes, even though the rest of his face begged to differ.

When Severus came up to him and asked to talk, Remus was filled with confusion. And also a little guilt. He'd never thought to talk to Severus. And Severus looked thoroughly miserable. At least, in Remus's eyes. He was biting down on the inside of his mouth, even though he looked calm on the outside, and his fingers were travelling through his hair, pushing it back and allowing strands to fall back.

Instead of seeing a happy, smiling face, he saw an almost-frown, and glassy eyes. It'd felt like a stone sinking in his stomach. But there was still a spark of something, maybe hope. That maybe, just maybe, he hadn't lost Severus. That might still be something, even if just friendship, between them.

* * *

Severus, on the other hand, was feeling a lot. He had no idea why Remus was ignoring him. And he was so scared that Remus suspected his... abnormality (in his words). But he was more scared of what he might do. 

Contrary to popular belief, Severus wasn't _always_ "depressed" and "emo". He actually really enjoyed some of the lessons, like potions and defense against the dark arts. They served as welcome distractions, though there were too many days where Severus just couldn't drag himself out of bed, with a restless mind keeping him occupied.

It was mainly the nights, where Severus was left with his own, destructive thoughts. He was trapped inside his mind, and stuck in a spiral of hopelessness. It was then, that he'd done the worst things. It was then that he'd hit rock bottom. Every single night.

So he sat there. The ninth night since Remus started ignoring him. With the dark, carved box that had been with him through everything. Severus dragged his fingers over the rough carvings he'd made on the wood. The thin vines that wound over the edges. The elegant swirls at the corner of the box. The splinters of wood were catching on his thumb, lightly tearing his skin a little. He'd almost forgotten the box for so long now, but ever since Remus started ignoring him, it'd been harder to resist it.

The bed felt too soft, like he was sinking in it. And after a while, the room was slightly spinning, and the black felt hazy. Slowly, the sharpness of the wooden splinters, and his grip on the box, slowly faded off, as he eventually drifted into restless sleep.

It was dimly bright when he woke up again. He could see the dust swirling in the beams of light shining through the gaps in the curtains. The rough box was amidst the sheets, and he was laying against the headboards. He slowly got up and moved his legs from their awkward position, rubbing his eyes with his wrist. It felt smoother now, against his eyelids. The scars were fading now. But the crushing reality of what today would be like weighed in on him.

Only one thing made him get up that day. The decision to get up and talk to Remus. Maybe he would be ignored. Maybe he would be pushed off. Maybe he'd be accepted. But he couldn't live knowing he still had a small chance.

* * *

"We need to talk," he said in a low voice. The same voice that Remus had imagined over and over again.

"Yeah, you're right," Remus replied quietly. His heart clenched, and a lump rose in his throat. Severus dragged his hand through his hair again. His eyes were shining a little different today. There was a spark of hope in them. 

He dragged his feet and walked next to Remus, earning him smirks from James. Remus could've sworn he heard James whisper loudly "stay safe," before walking away, but he didn't care. He walked relatively confidently, and it took everything Remus had in him not to stare at the boy. He could almost feel Severus's strong presence. 

Remus felt a low grumble in his stomach, and hoped to god Severus couldn't hear it too. He clutched at his stomach, and saw a door appear at the wall next to him. The chains and bolts rose out of the bricks, and his heart skipped a beat as he realised what this room was.

As the door opened, Remus watched in awe as Severus's eyes shined and filled with happiness. His features relaxed, and he was positively glowing. His hair was brushed back by his hand, revealing his deep, dark eyes. But his black eyes weren't cold and empty anymore, they were shining and warm. He almost looked like a different person. Remus couldn't help wishing he could hug him.

Severus caught Remus staring at him with a warm grin on his face, and relaxed. He couldn't have looked happier. Remus's hunger was gone. His mouth felt dry, and he couldn't help sliding his tongue over his lips. He longed to feel Severus's hands holding his own. It looked so close, but felt so distant.

But Remus couldn't help thinking of the other night, in the room of requirement. He hoped it would end similarly, because boy he craved some affection, and especially Severus's. But he shook those thoughts out of his head. Severus's own happiness mattered more than it anyway. 

Severus practically fell into the sofa, which was in the same place as last time. He sank into it too, closing his eyes and relaxing every muscle in his body, and just stretching his legs. He was tired, and honestly, this was all he really wanted. Well, almost. As he opened his eyes, he saw Severus staring at him.

And it warmed his heart that Severus was looking at him with the same look James had with Lily.


	10. The Conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> read the tags please!! yeah, sorry this took a long time. so this is basically the much delayed conversation. sorry if it makes no sense, i wrote most of it late at night.

Severus could feel the warmth in the room, mainly because of Remus. It was so much more comfortable and cosy. Less like a hotel, more like a home. The walls weren't an unwelcome white, but a warm yellow. There was a rug below a soft brown sofa. Dim yellow lights were hung in intricate lanterns suspended near the walls.

And there wasn't a single blade in sight.

Severus couldn't help glowing at the sight of it. Something felt warm in his heart, and every inch of his body longed to hug Remus for no apparent reason. He sank into the sofa, feeling the weight on his shoulders being lifted off, and his features relaxing. Remus awkwardly sat next to him, stretching his feet onto a small table that appeared to the side.

And Severus finally looked toward Remus. He'd been resisting the urge, because it might've looked weird. But now, he just wanted to stare at him. His lean figure stretched out, that sea of wavy, dark, honey curls, the perfect caramel eyes, that half-smile tugging at one side of his mouth.

And though there's a warm feeling inside of him, he still feels like he's on the bridge between all of his emotions. He felt sad, but empty, but warm. He couldn't breathe, but he still loved the feeling. His heart was fluttering, but it was also heavy. 

But at least Remus was here with him.

"Thank you," slipped out of Severus's mouth. His voice broke a little at the end. But he meant it. "Thank you so much for, you know, just caring. Really, thank you."

Severus's voice was heavy with emotion, but it sounded genuinely grateful. Remus blushed, and his eyes glazed over, and he swallowed. He never thought Severus would even _talk_ to him, let alone... whatever this was.

"You're welcome," came Remus's soft, shy voice. "And just so you know, I care, a lot. More than you know," he added under his breath, but was unfortunately heard. Severus's heart skipped a beat.

"Wow, thank you. That actually..." Severus trailed off, before saying "...means a lot to me."

Remus looked down at his knees, trying hard not to make eye contact. Because if he did, he'd probably accidentally let something else slip out. But his insides warmed at what Severus had said, and a small smile formed on his face.

"Uh, so, I mean, you're probably wondering why I do this?" It came out more like a question, and made Remus suddenly look up.

"Well, first of all, how are you? Honestly?"

Severus was caught by surprise. "I uh- I really don't know. But, I mean, it's better with you. I feel good enough, it could've been much worse. But, uh, thank you for actually asking. But the truth is, I've felt so much better ever since we've been... friends."

Severus felt nervous about using the term "friends," but Remus's smile gave him all the reassurance he needed. He waited for a bit. There was something longing to burst out of him, and he didn't know what it was. Happiness?

* * *

"Well, if uh- well, if you want to, then I'm all ears. Only when you're ready," came Remus's voice. "But confiding is always better than keeping it all in. And I promise, it's safe with me," Remus replied, the ghost of a smile playing on his features.

"Yeah, it's- it's probably a better idea. Merlin, I never really- even Lily doesn't know," he said, tilting his head backwards. "Well, I guess I might as well tell you before I'm too scared to."

Remus moved his legs up onto the couch, and hugged them tight. Severus moved a little closer, so the massive gap between them became much smaller, playing on Remus's nerves. 

"I- uh- well, um- where do I start?" Severus mumbled. "Well, I mean, the only reason I hate muggles and mudbloo- muggleborns is because of my- my father. He was... not a pleasant man. Or father, or husband. He- um- let's just say that he really liked his belt. And, I mean, my mother hated him too, they were always fighting."

Severus took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut, while Remus laid his head down, and moved just a little bit closer, eyes full of concern. Speaking with a slightly strained, weak voice, he continued. "Well, um, that's how I met Lily, I- I was always wondering around outside, because- my- my house wasn't the best place on earth to live in."

Remus's eyes were glassy. This was all too familiar to him, and he couldn't bring himself to picture Severus's father. "So- um- yeah, that's kinda, the reason I'm always at Hogwarts. It's kinda like my only home."

Severus hung his head, and let out a shaky breath, which sounded more like a sob. "I just- I hate him. I never got to be a child. Like _James_ , and- I mean- he made my life hell. I thought it'd be better when I left for Hogwarts, but..." his voice got very quiet. "I- I still get nightmares. I still feel like this. I- well- I do _this_ ," he said waving his left arm up.

"I just, I feel like I don't deserve this. Hogwarts. No matter what, I'm still going to be like this. So what's the point? And the thing is, it's not sadness. I know what sadness feels like. _This_ , this is something else. It's like, and entirely new emotion. I- I don't know how to describe it."

Severus bit the side of his mouth slightly, pulled up his sleeve and held his arm up, to reveal a large purple-pink bruise on his upper arm, and a dent carved on by presumably a belt. His heart dropped to his stomach at the sight of it, and his mind was suddenly blank. No words could describe it.

Remus swallowed, trying not to cry. He had to be strong for Severus now, who's eyes were already glassy and blinking rapidly. Remus licked his dry lips, and brushed his hand through his curly hair. Severus locked eyes with him again. But this time, it wasn't intimidating. This time, Severus's dark eyes were raw and full of emotion. And they were glassy and shiny, like he was about to cry, which made Remus's heart clench. He never wanted to see Severus _this_ tortured ever. He never wanted this to happen to Severus ever again. His stomach twisted as guilt and anger built up inside of him.

"I swear, as long as I'm alive, hell, even after that, this will never happen to you again. I'll make sure of it. I swear to Merlin, never." Remus got quiet at the end, trying to keep his voice steady.

And then Severus hugged him. The feeling made his heart flutter, and a hundred butterflies had appeared in his stomach. But Remus felt warm. He felt secure. He felt safe, and actually comfortable for once. Severus laid his head on Remus's shoulder, his soft hair falling over Remus's shoulders.

Pulling back, he asked "Can I- can I tell you something? I- uh- you'd hate me, but i just really need to get this off my chest. I- just- _please_ don't run away. Please."

The guilt and regret in his voice put a heavy lump in Remus's throat, and filled him with guilt. As well as curiosity. What else does Severus have to deal with now? With his heart in his throat, he listened to Severus look down, and quietly, almost whisper it.

"I'm, attracted to- I like boys. My father would hate me for it."

His voice was filled with shame and guilt. Like he was confessing to a crime, which made Remus's stomach twist uncomfortably. But he felt a glowing feeling, almost warm. He couldn't place his finger on whether he liked the feeling. But he felt good enough.

* * *

Severus's heart was racing. He didn't know whether to tell Remus or not. It could end right here, right now. It could end badly. The whole school might find out. His father might find out. But would Remus really lie? He met Remus's eyes for a brief second. Those caring, warm eyes. The soft, slightly opened mouth expression. The concern written all over his face. If this wasn't real, nothing was.

"I'm, attracted to- I like boys, My father would hate me for it," he muttered in a voice distant from his body. He felt panic build up in his chest, as his head reached higher and higher, and the air in the room felt like it was draining way too fast.

But Remus's smile brought him back. The warm oxygen filled his lungs again, and his head wasn't so light anymore. But he also felt guilty. Like Remus deserved to know the full shame that came with this. Like Remus didn't deserve to be this near to a person like _him_.

"Aren't you going to run away?" he asked slightly confused, his voice heavy with guilt.

"Did- did your father tell you that it wasn't okay to like boys?"

"I- uh, yes, he- yeah he did."

"He's wrong. He's so wrong. Really, don't believe him, or a single word he says. He's just a rude, bigoted arseho- oh sorry," Remus said before blushing, realising who he was insulting.

An amused smile and a small chuckle took over Severus. It felt good to see _Remus,_ of all people, insulting his father. And the tightness in his chest, the weight on his shoulders, it was all lifted off.

"Please, insult him all you like." 

"But, oh Severus, I- I'm so sorry. I swear, I wish I could change it for you. You don't deserve to go through this. You really don't. Your father, and mother, are the worst people on this earth, and they really don't deserve you. If they did, they would've noticed what a gift you would've been to them. Merlin, I'm so sorry."

Remus sounded so solemn. He sounded so serious, except his voice was heavy with emotion. Very heavy with sorrow for Severus. No one should ever have to go through that. And he felt so bad. At least _his_ parents were accepting. But Severus. Severus deserved better parents. 

Severus was looking at Remus. With a very deep stare. Except his eyebrows weren't furrowed. He looked relaxed. His eyes were glassy, and Remus could see his own reflecting in them. Suddenly the space between them felt too small. Remus leaned in just a little, as it something was pushing him.

Severus suddenly felt soft lips on his. They were warm, and seemed to warm his entire body up. Tender lips, which felt so good, and so comforting. Like this was all Severus wanted. He closed his eyes and disappeared into a world of warmth and light. His hands moved to Remus's hair, his smooth, but rough curls, while he felt warm, firm hands on his side and neck. 

Suddenly this wasn't enough. He wanted more. He wanted to make up for every moment he spent longing for Remus. His fingers traveled through Remus's curls, as Remus's hands explored his side, and pulled him closer. They closed any gap between them, till their chests were touching, and they'd drowned in the sea of warmth and happiness. It was so soft, but desperate.

It might've been centuries till they broke apart, both lightly pink in the face, but also happier than they'd ever felt before. Their eyes locked again, and Severus looked happy, the tears in Severus's eyes had almost disappeared, and Remus could see warmth and longing in those intense, black eyes. And he smiled knowing that he'd been the one who put that look on Severus's face.

* * *

That night, Severus and Remus both slept peacefully. It was the best sleep both of them had gotten in so long. Mainly because they were tangled up in each other's arms, foreheads against each other, and legs on top of each other.

They never wanted that night to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my lonely lesbian ass writing about these boy's kiss. what a point in life i've come to.


	11. The Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how about we ignore how horrendously late and short this was.

Remus woke up, and could've sworn he felt different. Rubbing his eyes he tried to shift a little. He felt so much better than the past few days, like every part of him wasn't being dragged by the sheer desperation to get up. A warm body was snuggling next to him, which he didn't want to leave. So Remus moved his arm below the other's neck, and laid back down, allowing Severus's head to fall into his neck.

The next time he woke up, light was shining in through the large windows on one side of the wall. Dust was swirling around in the bright rays that shone through. The heavy curtains were dragged to one side, and the room seemed much brighter. Remus got up, leaning on his arms, and faced away from the blinding light.

"Finally waking up?" asked a familiar voice. Much warmer, and full of happiness. Severus was leaning against the wall next to the window, looking towards Remus. "You have no idea the excuses I had to make for your friends."

Remus could barely manage an annoyed "hmmph," while trying to sit properly. He blinked a few times, before the hazy figure near the window started to look more like the dark haired, smirking boy he recognised. And Merlin, he was even more beautiful than before.

He looked so much happier, almost glowing with some type of energy radiating off of him. His skin wasn't as pale and grey, but had a lighter colour, with light pink blush on his cheeks. His black hair was falling in smooth strands over his shoulders, and his dark eyes were shining intensely, and had no shadows under them. They were wrinkled at the corner, like they always were when he smiled. His arms were crossed, as he leaned back against the wall in standing in the perfect position. His creased shirt was all over the place with the top two buttons undone, revealing his collarbone.

Severus stood straight and walked towards the bed, trying to hide the growing smile on his face. He flopped onto the bed, lying down so that he was upside down in Remus's view. Remus dragged his fingers through Severus's black hair, curling a few of the strands. Severus close his eyes and allowed the smile to take over his features, as his face relaxed. Severus reached out for Remus's other hand, which was much warmer, and held it, causing butterflies to erupt in Remus's stomach.

After a few blissful moments of it, Severus got up and dragged Remus across with him. The door opened, and the two boys walked through. Saturday morning wasn't crowded, so no one really spotted them except for Madam Pomfrey with a smile and a spark in her eyes.

Remus stumbled out of the room, almost dragged by Severus because of his incredibly slow pace, towards what might've been the great hall. A few of the portraits cast disapproving glares towards the boys holding hands, and one of the knights even shouted what might've been accusations of being disgraceful and whatnot, but Remus was too happy and still sleepy to care.

They burst through the doors, revealing a mostly empty great hall, except for a few Hufflepuffs, and the Marauders chatting animatedly at the Gryffindor table. Their faces lit up with mischief at the sight of Remus, and they sent suggestive glares towards the two boy's direction.

Remus sent Severus a knowing look, which he returned. He stepped away, knowing that Severus didn't want anyone to know. Remus watched behind him as Severus walked up to the Slytherin house table, almost sinking into his seat. He turned around towards the ridiculously smiling faces on the other side.

* * *

Severus had just finished lunch, receiving odd looks from others. Maybe it was the lack of dark shadows and wrinkles under his eyes, or the fact that he smiled and laughed a little while lost in thought.

He walked away from the lunch table through the huge doors. The hallways, as usual, were littered with groups of chattering students of all ages covered with dark, flowing robes. But instead of feeling jealous and hateful towards them, Severus felt happier for them. Stuffing his hands inside his pockets, he walked out, the cold hitting him like a brick, towards a giant tree outside.

It was windy, with cold lacing the strong winds blowing against Severus's hair. Clouds filled the sky, and the other students were all inside. He sat down, back to the tree, and rubbed his hands together, feeling cold, but somehow also warm. Taking out his essay, he spread his legs out, and took in a deep, clear breath that filled his lungs.

His quill was dragging over the paper, drawing designs over the corners of the pages. He couldn't concentrate, and was working on a small drawing that had no particular meaning. But it sort of looked like Remus's hair. In waves, but calm and silk-like.

Suddenly, he felt something warm fall over his lap. He jumped in shock, and the parchment fell out of his hand. On his legs, he saw Remus lying down, eyes closed, smiling. A grin took over Severus face, and he bent his knees, and allowed Remus to make a pillow out of them. 

Remus's head was warm on his body, at least compared to the cold outside. No one else was around, so it was safe. Severus couldn't help noticing one strand of hair that fell over his eyes. He took his hand and gently brushed it away, and saw a light blush appear on Remus's face. 

He started to run his fingers through Remus's hair, gently at first, and noticed Remus's mouth growing into a smile, his eyes meeting with Severus's. Remus's hair was soft and cold, and smelt lightly of a rainy forest, or a group of plants. He ran his finger through each and every strand, watching the strands fall over each other, while curling some with his finger. They looked like a million different shades of browns and soft yellows, sort of like autumn leaves, but sweeter.

He leaned his head against the cold, rough bark of the tree, and closed his eyes. Severus allowed himself to get swallowed up by the warm feeling this moment brought to him, while the longing, sweet feeling he usually got around Remus started filling him up. And he could feel himself falling into these emotions, but rather than being scared, he enjoyed it.

After a while of Severus holding Remus's head in his lap while stroking his hair, Remus got up, ruffling his hair again. Severus couldn't help smirking at it, and unconsciously played with a strand of his own. Remus looked over his shoulder at Severus, and smiled at him. But this smile was more with his eyes, while his lips met Severus's. 

And Severus's hands were travelling through Remus's hair again, scrunching up and playing with the soft curls, and pulling him closer, while Remus was pulling on the front of Severus's robes. This kiss made both of them feel warm in the freezing cold weather. It was different from the first one. This was more burning, more hungry.

And for a split second, they didn't care. They didn't care if anyone saw. They were fine with the whole world knowing. For a split second, both Severus and Remus only wanted each other. But the split second felt like forever, but too short for both of them

They broke apart, both light pink in the face, and smiling uncontrollably. Remus got up, and pulled Severus up. Severus stuffed his things into his bag, knowing fully well he didn't do anything, and wrapped his finger around Remus's. Remus's hand was warm and dry, and was holding Severus's too.

But at the second they neared the school again, they both dropped their hands, and walked a step away from each other. The small space between them might've been only a few centimeters, but it felt like miles. Severus felt the warmth leave as he stepped away from Remus.

Walking back to the dorms, he smiled to himself as he almost felt Remus against him again. He loved the feeling, and the fact that Remus was a boy felt less and less uncomfortable now. If anything, it felt better than before.

He entered through the dungeon doors, muttering the password, and felt the warm embrace him like a blanket. He closed his eyes, and allowed the warmth to take over, feeling his lungs and entire body fill with warm air. The deep, dark colours were soothing to his eyes, almost like returning home. He sank into an armchair, with his legs over one of the armrests. Hanging his head back, he let himself drift off into daydreams that made him feel warm, and ignored Mulciber's odd stares at him.


	12. Again, the Hospital Wing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THIS WAS LATE  
> oof, and light smut. very light, but yeah.

Remus lazily got up to the bright light. His head was lightly throbbing, and he could've sworn he heard someone making a strange sound that sounded oddly like a "whoop" but he couldn't be sure. He let out a yawn, stretching his arms wide while still lying down on his pillows.

"Moony, hey, wake up!" shouted a smiling James. He looked positively ecstatic, jumping from bed to bed, while shouting out sounds that resembled something in between a scream and a laugh. Sirius was rolling his eyes, but grinning nonetheless. "Lily agreed to go on to Hogsmeade with me! Oh Merlin's beard, It's finally happened! My destiny is coming for me!"

Remus let out a muffled laughter. "Nice. Are you sure she hasn't gone crazy?"

"Shut up!" he shouted, while smiling and waving the letter in his hand. "Look at this, her own handwriting!"

"Brilliant mate, but how're you planning to go on a date if we kill you for waking us up?" asked Sirius, rubbing his eyes.

"This is an important occasion! We should be celebrating, having a parade and a feast, not sleeping!" shouted James, waving his hands around on top of his bed.

James continued whooping for a while, until a groaning Sirius conjured water, drenching James. Remus slammed the pillow over his face to block the sunlight, but it was no use. He was awake, and there was no going back. Turning around, he threw his blanket off and got up.

The throbbing headache had become larger now, mainly because of James's whooping coming from the showers, and a slightly nauseous feeling grew in his stomach. Remus went into the bathroom, blocking his ears and tried to brush his teeth without throwing his toothbrush at James.

He brushed his fingers through his hair, attempting to make it tame, and made eye contact with his reflection. Suddenly, he felt under close scrutiny, and he could feel every scar, every flaw, every imperfection. Looking down, he pushed away those thoughts.

At one point, he managed to look mildly presentable, at least enough to get into the great hall. He walked out of the dorms with his hands in his pockets. Techincally, he was excited to see a certain Slytherin. But more particularly, excited to be caught alone with the certain Slytherin.

Those small moments were everything. Smiling at each other, brushing each other's hands. That's what Remus really wanted. Just seeing the happiness of the clandestine moments in Severus's eyes could keep Remus happy for all of time.

Remus walked down the stairs, each step like a hammer against his still aching head. But his stomach was growling, and he really wanted to see Severus, so he made his way into the bright, also empty great hall. Severus was there, making Remus light up a little. He was sketching in a little sketchpad which Remus had already seen many times before, and had admittedly liked a few of the drawings.

Severus waved at him, and sent a grin. Remus looked down, walking into the breakfast hall to see Lily chatting animatedly to the others. Remus sat down next to her, and sent her a look that could be translated into "are you serious?" Lily blushed and turned away, making Remus grin.

Remus looked towards the food, and his eyes lit up with the sight of it. He stuffed his face with omelette and sausages, feeling in a much better mood with a full stomach. He sent Severus a knowing look, and walked out of the great hall towards one of the other passageways.

* * *

Severus hastily stuffed a burnt toast into his mouth, much to the amusement of the first-years next to him. He dashed out of the hall to see a boy with messy curls walking away from him through another corridor. Following Remus, he brushed his hair with his fingers knowing full well that he only just got up out of bed.

"Hey," said Severus.

"Did you seriously stuff that piece of bread into your mouth just to see me?" asked a slightly amused Remus, his eyes lighting up and a large grin pulling at his mouth. He turned toward Severus, and their eyes met.

"The things I do for you," replied Severus sarcastically.

"I'll have you on your knees next," said Remus smirking, taking Severus back. He took two whole seconds to realise it was a joke, groaning when he realised.

"With pleasure," mumbled Severus, without realising he'd said it out loud, and making Remus blush furiously.

Severus noticed Remus turning towards him, and stuffed his hands in his pocket as his stomach started fluttering again. Remus's eyes were just so damn perfect and beautiful. The ocean if different shades of brown and amber, it looked like a nebula from outer space, but also the leaves as they fell from a tree in Autumn.

He bit his lip as the familiar longing feeling came back to him. He wanted Remus, all he really wanted was Remus. Remus must've been able to tell, because his eyes had a yearning look in them. And because they turned to an abandoned corridor, and Severus felt his back hitting a wall behind him.

Remus was pulling Severus close to him, and Severus only wanted more. Remus's lips were almost biting Severus's, as their tongues melted into each other. Severus's hands were travelling through Remus's curls again, but this time, scrunching them and pulling them. Remus was all he wanted, but he wanted more. Their bodies were pressed together, and Severus could feel the warmth from Remus's torso reach his own, sending electricity travelling all through his body, as the hole in his chest raptured.

It wasn't perfect, it was hungry. It was passionate. Like making up for every day they spent craving each other alone. To make up for all the wrongness in the previous years. And something inside of Severus made him want this to last forever. He wanted Remus forever.

It was broken by the familiar sounds of footsteps echoing through the halls. They quickly pulled apart, both red in the face and suddenly frightened, to see Madam Pomfrey rushing up the other way towards the Hospital wing with a limping Mulciber, who gave a glare towards them.

"I should really go to the hospital wing too, my head's been aching since morning," said Remus. "Want to come?"

Severus nodded, while hanging his head and allowing a smile to take over his face, as a blush crept over his cheeks. Remus smirked, looking at Severus's expression. He grabbed Remus's hand, taking them both by pleasant surprise, but making both of them feel something in between fear and happiness.

* * *

Remus's hand was grabbed by something familiarly cold, as thin fingers clasped against his own. It was almost like electricity sparked from wherever Severus touched. He still felt almost filled with warmth and happiness from their short but passionate kiss. It felt so nice, even the secret aspect of it. Like something that made it all worth it.

They walked towards the hospital wing, where their hands reluctantly fell at their sides. Remus's head started throbbing badly again, and he pinched the bridge of his nose to slightly ease the pain. He felt somewhat sick, so it might've just been a cold or something that Madam Pomfrey could fix in a second or two.

Remus couldn't find her in the empty room, so he fell onto one of the beds, relaxing at the soft touch of the mattress, even though the motion intensified his headache and sickness by at least a million. He closed his eyes as his features relaxed.

The bed sunk a bit at the end, and he could feel Severus sinking into the bed at the end. Severus's hand trailed over Remus's torso, making butterflies flutter violently in his stomach. Electricity or something was seizing him from the contact, and Remus swallowed, hoping he wouldn't give away his fear and content.

And in a quick motion, Severus was on top of him. Fear quickly pooled in Remus's chest, but faded away as he noticed the curtain stands covering them, and charms appearing as Severus lazily waved his wand. Severus dropped his wand on the bed, as he grabbed Remus's hair, and explored Remus's neck and head with his hands.

The kiss was growing more passionate now, with both of them becoming breathless in a good way. Remus felt Severus's perfect body, which curved in just the right way, making something in his stomach twist. Their bodies seemed to fit with each other, almost in a rhythmic way, as he felt Severus's weight on him, his legs across Remus's.

A muffled sound that sounded distinctly like Madam Pomfrey could be heard from outside the wall of curtains Severus broke the kiss, putting on a captivating grin while looking at Remus. He climbed over, and waved his wand as the curtains fell, and the sounds outside became clear again. 

Remus's heart gave a nervous pang as he spotted Mulciber, but calmed as he realised the curtains and charms must've hidden everything. Madam Pomfrey looked like she was trying to suppress a grin, while asking in a slightly amused voice "The usual, Remus?"

Remus nodded, and drank the potion he was offered. Walking away with Severus smiling shyly next to him, he felt warm with how the morning had turned out, and made a mental note to thank James for the shouting that woke him up.

* * *

A few beds away, a very confused and slightly horrified Mulciber clenched his fists and bit his lips, while wishing he hadn't sent the charmed bird to follow the two boys when he passed them in the hallway. Remus and Severus seemed awfully close, and he wanted to know why.

He'd seen too much, but definately didn't regret it. Throwing away the now lifeless bird, he got up and pushed the blanket off of him. Mulciber knew exactly what to do now.

"Madam, can I leave now? I feel better."

Mulciber walked from the hospital wing to the dorm. In the dorm, he sank into the chair and took out his parchment and quill. And began writing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, im very lonely, so i really dont know how the hell to write this.  
> and i promise the rest of the chapters wont be this boring. this is honestly the worst written chapter. but i promise it'll get better.


	13. Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: please read the tags, seriously, majorly graphic description of self harm, anxiety, homophobia/homophobic slurs, referenced child abuse, suicide attempts, and just depression in general. 
> 
> pleeease keep yourselves safe!! i know how it feels, when you read triggering stuff knowing it's effects. but please dont do this, i want you all to stay happy and safe. it might be tempting, but please dont do it.
> 
> and i really dont condone self harm or suicide. please, when you can, get help if you're ever in such a situation.

Days passed by in a haze of secret nights, kisses and the warmness of the spring. Flowers and leaves started growing over the empty tree branches, as the sun started warming up the endless rain of the skies that seemed to be pouring endlessly.

Although, in the haze of hidden romance, Remus could distinctly remember the one point where he felt even deeper in _love_ with Severus. It was at some point during the week.

They were walking down the halls after hours, when they came across a silently sobbing first year. The sniffles reminded Remus of himself in first year. He didn't know what to do, he was never really comfortable with people seeing him cry, or vice versa.

But Severus took him by surprise. Bending slowly, he brushed away the hair from the child's face, revealing scared red eyes. In his deep, and one of the warmest voices Remus had ever heard, he ushered the boy to the Ravenclaw dorm they were near.

"Hey, it's okay, let's get you back to the... Ravenclaw dorm, right?"

The way Severus comforted the child reminded Remus of his own mother. Careful, deep, warm voice, not intrusive, and something about them, that might be just their charm, that almost changed the atmosphere. Something inside Remus clicked, seeing Severus comfort the child. Maybe it was the realisation that this wasn't just a crush.

Maybe it was also the part right after the child was dropped off. He'd pulled Severus towards him, hugging him tightly and burying his head in Severus's neck and pulling him tighter as the butterflies started giving way to pure content. The type of content that filled you up, almost like drinks in the summer, or sleeping after a long night.

The tight hug quickly turned into something more, something less innocent, but beautiful nonetheless. Although when one of the prefects had started to approach round a corner, it was abruptly ended as the two boys quickly broke apart.

And just for that week, everything was perfect. All their problems were behind them. For just that week, both of them got the blissful joy they'd both craved for years. It may have just been a week, but it felt like a lifetime, lived in just a second.

Maybe that week was pity for what was to come next.

* * *

It had all started the following Sunday. When Severus had woken up to an apologising Mulciber, who looked somehow both positively disgusted and pityful at the same time. His face screwed up in a grimace, but his eyes with an apologetic look in them. The apology had twisted a knot in Severus's stomach; something wasn't right. But ignoring the feeling creeping up on him, he walked to the great hall with a straight face.

The fear had kept Severus on the edge the entire morning, the knot in Severus's stomach clenching harder and tighter every few moments. After a while, it faded a little, especially as he realised it might've just been a prank.

But the stable world Severus had carefully arranged in the morning as the end of breakfast arrived. Around the same time the owls gracefully swooped in from above, delivering letters. Severus was in the middle of something, as a letter dropped into his plate. 

That's probably when he knew that something was wrong. His throat tightened, his stomach knotted up uncomfortably, threatening to throw up all it's contents. His head was suddenly a little unclear as he went over every reason, every scenario that had caused this. Tears burned in his eyes, and fire was taking over his tighter heart covered by a tight chest, so tight that he couldn't breathe, all the air had gone.

He was left by himself, and suddenly there was too much. The noise, the colours, the sounds, the feelings. Everything was crowding up on him, attacking him at once. He needed to concentrate. He needed some _peace_. Because he was terrified.

The blue, boxy cursive that had been written in an expensive ink pen. Sealed in a white paper, in cold contrast to the warm yellow tinge of the parchment the wizards used. The ink had been scrawled over in a quick, almost messy manner. It was Severus's father's handwriting.

Severus couldn't believe it. It didn't seem true, it couldn't be. The letter was flashing in front of him, almost like it was screaming it's presence in the great hall. Severus managed to slowly stand up on his weak legs, and something possessed his hands to open it. He was burning with fear and dread, almost like he already knew what he'd see.

The letter's words were staring right at him. And suddenly he was being pushed from reality. He was swinging between a million different worlds, his home was flashing in front of him, but the scene changed with every blink. It was too much, like everything was being loaded on him. Until a voice snapped him back to reality. The familiar, soft voice he'd have usually died to see.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Remus was standing behind him, looking visibly concerned. But the rest of what he said was blurry and sounded disembodied. Suddenly Severus was rushing out of the great hall, letter in hand, with dread filling every inch of him up.

It's like the portraits were moving, the walls were sinking in on him. Suddenly, there was no sense of direction, as he seemed to be dragged down from where he had stopped. He didn't know where it was he'd ran to, but it was completely deserted except for the Remus, Severus, and his pounding heart.

Reluctantly, he read through the letter. With each word, he could feel his whole world crashing down as his head was blurry, filled with a haze of "no, no, no," and his heart had reached his throat. He felt sick. Like the food was rising up to his throat. And everything was spinning.

It was all moving too fast, in a haze, as he was being dragged from one place to another. Suddenly, he could see his house light up in front of him, his father approaching him with belt in hand. And the next, he could see Lily walk away from him. He could feel tears burn in his eyes, as his throat and chest ached to scream for all of eternity. Mental images were whizzing through his mind, and he shut his eyes tight to keep them away.

A warm hand seemed to bring him slightly back, as he started to get enough air, and Remus's voice became clearer to him. The world stopped spinning so badly, but the dread and horror had set in properly now. There was no way out.

Except for one.

Amidst all the chaos was clarity. A sudden idea. He threw the letter on the floor, and ran away as fast as he could, feeling every muscle in his body burn as his lungs gasped for air. He ran. He ran to the room of requirement.

But before leaving, he was sure to look into Remus's eyes, one last time, and manage the strength to say "Sorry, Remus."

* * *

Remus saw all the colour drain from Severus's face, as his smiling eyes were replaced with cold horror. Something in Remus dropped, seeing Severus look so terrifed. Severu was suddenly running out of the hall, and in a rash decision, Remus decided to follow him.

He could see Severus run, and running fast. It was almost impossible to keep up with him at this pace, as the adrenaline kept Remus going. He saw Severus stop in a deserted corridor. His head was bent over the piece of paper, whimpering almost silently, knees shaking.

"Hey, what's wrong?" asked Remus in the softest voice he could manage. "Who's- what is that?"

But Severus wasn't listening. He was silently screaming. His breaths were getting quicker and quicker, as the remaining colour drained completely from his face. Whimpers escaped his lips as he squeezed his eyes shut, eyebrows intensely creased. A lump appeared in Remus's throt at the sight of him.

"Hey, it's okay, breathe. Hey, breathe with me, come on," said Remus, gently, almost hesitantly placing a hand on Severus's shoulder, and breathing heavily for Severus to mimic.

Severus's eyes came back into focus, and he almost looked like a scared child, making Remus's heart break a little. Because that's all they really were. Scared children, trying to fight their way through the world. He was biting the inside of his mouth now, as it seemed to calm him down, while staring pointedly at the floor.

But he suddenly looked up. His eyes looked deeper than ever, almost as it they were hiding an entire dark galaxy in them, as the tears made them sparkle in a mourning sor of way. There was a type of longing feeling, almost hollow, that resided behind them. And a soft "Sorry," was heard before Severus rushed out of Remus's arms.

Remus looked down into the letter, his heart almost stopping as he read through it. The letters were smudged by something that smelt distinctly like non-diluted vodka. aAnd the letters looked like they'd been carved on because of how hard the pen was pressed against the paper.

_To Severus._

_I heard from one of the more respectable freaks in your mental school that you, Severus Snape, are a shirtlifter._

_Scum of your mother, son of a fucking bitch, I'll kill her for making such a poofter of a son. One who goes around, no doubt disgracing nature by sucking your everyone elses' cocks. I hope you live happily with your retarded life! Unnatural, disgrace. I raised you with my money, put clothes on your back and this is how you repay me?!_

_How dare you?! How dare you be such a freak?! Such an abnormal child, not just like your mother, but a fucking faggot as well. How fucking dare you. Disgracing me with not only your mutations, but this as well?_

_Don't bother coming back. I'm going to kill you. You're not welcome here anymore. Your mother may disagree, but I'll shut her up. Don't you dare show your face again, or I'll kill you, you abnormal bastard! Go to fucking hell, where you belong!_

_You were never were, and never will be, my son._

_Mr. Snape_

Remus could've sworn his heart stopped, as tears reached his eyes. And without thinking, he ran too. Ran as far as he could to wherever he could. He was terrified. He didn't want to lose Severus.

* * *

Severus was back there in the place it had all started really. The large door had melted into the walls in front of him, and he stepped in. Memories flooded his mind, making him want to burst, as he saw the sofa which he'd shared before, and the soft yellow walls, almost like parchment, in contrast to the white ones, almost like the ones in muggle hospitals.

He picked up his box from where it'd appeared on the coffee table in front of him, and picked out the silver dagger Lucius had once gifted him. It was really beautul, actually, with intricate carvings designing the dark silver of the handle. A snake, along with other ribbons of designs were decorating the handle.

Severus could feel the cold metal almost burn the skin of his palm, as he held it almost tightly in his fist. Closing his eyes, he wondered whether he really wanted to do this, as his feelings for Remus flooded over him. Washing them away, he closed his eyes and grit his teeth.

He felt himself sink to the lowest he'd ever felt.

He pressed the blade into his skin, feeling his tearing through as the burning and stinging took over. A part of his clenched heart felt like it'd broken free, and it was a split second of bliss. Of escape, almost calmness. But only a split second. 

He pressed another deep cut into his fist, and watched the blood rise up to his skin, and watched as small droplets collected at the sides. It was almost like he felt good again. The tightness of his chest disappeared, and he almost felt like he was flying in the night sky. He was alone, and could feel the cold air against him.

The pain released him in a way that art never could. It took him away from this world. He pressed another cut, as the stinging and burning took over another fine line. The blood rising up was almost beautiful, with it's constant crimson glinting in the dull light.

But he wanted more. He wanted to feel again. The freeness, the ability to breathe. He wanted the fresh air to swallow him whole. The pain was slowly taking over him, almost like a broomstick, allowing him to fly away, and escape from the forgotten misery. He kept digging deeper and deeper, and felt the pain grow stronger and stronger.

Tears fell freely from his eyes, as memories took over him. He could feel his father's belt carve it's way onto Severus's skin, with only the burning feeling in his wrists keeping him on Earth. He could see his mother bleeding on the floor, and he almost threw up. The sights and sounds were suddenly too much again.

Too much was happening. He dug deeper with the knife, exploring his skin, drawing patterns along his wrists. He flinched as his father's voice echoed around the room, and felt his heart get heavier as the memories seemed to become a tsunami, drowning him.

It was almost like he was sinking. Sinking down into the depths of the ocean.

He could feel a part of him break inside. Like the last piece of his heart shattered. The tears were falling freely now. He couldn't take it. He wanted it to end. He wanted to stop hearing his father's voice everywhere, seeing his father everywhere.

The cuts had covered his forearm, so he moved on to his knees, tearing his trousers as blood stained the fabric. Dragging the blade heavily over the skin, it was a colder, less familiar type of pain. Not that he didn't crave and need it. He went on and on, and moved back to his already bloodied forearm.

Until he'd felt something being pulled and snapped, as a sharp burst of pain. His heart skipped a beat. A warm stream of blood flooded through down his forearm, as he closed his eyes shut in pain. Something in his heart felt longing, and maybe buried deep down, fear. He didn't want this. No, he craved it.

It was almost as if something had clicked. This was it. There was no going back. And it was almost peaceful, that it was all over now. He could finally sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this was angsty but hey.


	14. Remember?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings, same as before, but less dark (i think).

The fear was taking over in waves. With a sick feeling in his stomach, Remus ran to the Slytherin common room, and banged his hands against the sharp, locked door. Another Slytherin laughed at him, and before Remus was able to stop himself, his fist flew into the person's face. He grabbed their collar, and demanded for the password.

Rushing into the dorm, Remus was nearly manic now. Running everywhere, because he couldn't lose Severus. He couldn't breathe, but he kept searching all over the Slytherin dorms. Checking every room, calling his name out, until it clicked for him. Where Severus really was,

And he kicked himself hard as the realisation came to him. Not just of his own stupidity, but also the time he'd wasted. He knew there was something wrong. He could feel the time running out, almost like an hourglass inside of him. The way his heart was strained, his stomach was clenched, he could just _tell_.

He ran to the seventh floor, muscles burning and his lungs begging for air. And once he came to the empty wall, he begged to see Severus. Tears were spilling now, he could fel the hourglass inside of him almost run out. Every inch of him longed to see Severus, to feel his warmth. 

"Please, please, I'll do fucking anything. Please, oh dear Merlin, please," he was muttering between broken sobs. And he clearly wasn't ready to see what he had.

Severus lying down, breathing erratically, gasping for breaths, but breathing too heavily as well. His eyelids were twitching, and skin was pale, the colour of a _dead_ \- no- body. But what really punched all the air and sanity out of him was the stream of blood streaming, down his wrist, staining the floor. Dark, bloody cuts were decorating his wrist, almost like the messy veins of a leaf.

Remus felt like everything was falling. Everything was getting destroyed in a tornado of emotions, and it was all disappearing before his eyes. But he tried to hold it all together, with thin threads of hope, because he knew he couldn't go mad now. Not when Severus needed him most.

Forcing the sights and sounds out of his mind, he allowed the memory of their kiss to fill him up, and though it filled him with bittersweet longing, he remembered the happiness and joy that he experienced during their first time.

A patronus appeared out of his wand, a graceful wolf, which he sent to madam pomfrey. He only knew this spell, as it was something he'd charm to ake him feel better. The presence of a patronus just seemed to always warm him up a little, which is why he'd always practice it during his darker times.

He muttered spells he heard his mother use on himself before on Severus's forearm and bloodied knee. And it was gut wrenching to watch what Severus did to himself. How much Severus really hated himself, and how much Remus had _failed_ to shield him from. The fear and depression that pulsed through Remus's veins had to be unhealthy.

Tears were falling, not beautifully, but drainingly. He was sobbing, begging to the air for Severus to stay alive. Because he'd be so lost without the one person he _loved_ the most.

But Remus's heart suddenly picked up, sickening him, as he saw Severus gasp heavily, inhaling heavily, almost choking on air. Several emotions passed through Remus, making him want to scream, but also throw up. The room was spinning lightly, and he might've lost his grip had a terrified Madam Pomfrey not rushed in.

* * *

Severus felt hazy. Almost like a dream. There was no air in the room, but he wasn't suffocating. There were dull pains all over his body, and he felt sick and hungry. Almost like he'd been travelling for so long, with the exhaustion taking over him.

But a sharp pain in his knee pulled him to reality, as he violently opened his eyes. He didn't know where he was, what he was in. Everything was new to him. New and blurry. He couldn't see beyond the blurry white glow of the room.

Trying to get up with his arms, he felt a stabbing pain in his wrist that made him sick, as a huge lump appeared in his throat. It was all coming back to him now. Shards of what he'd done were falling in place. He stomach sank.

But worse was seeing the boy he _loved_ with red eyes, shadows under them, looking like he'd woken up from the worst nightmare ever. Remus was wearing his baggy sweatpants with his huge, plain green shirt. His body was scrunched in a chair, and his arms flew open violently as he saw movement. His wide eyes filled with hope and longing, breaking Severus's heart.

And it was a good few seconds that they just stared into each other's eyes. Almost like they couldn't believe they'd see the other again. Heavy tears started falling from both their glowing eyes, as their broken hearts healed just a little.

Soon, they embraced each other like their romance had lasted forever. It filled the empty hole in Severus with love and warmth, making him feel whole again; something he hadn't ever felt. Like the missing piece was finally found.

"I love you," breathed out Remus, voice cracking.

Severus made a sound somewhere between a chuckle and a sob, as tears leaked from his eyes. "God, I love you too."

Without pause, Severus kissed him. But this was more than just kissing. This was him allowing Remus to swallow him whole. To take over him, and to own him. He was truly and unconditionally all Remus's. Or as some say it, _in love_.

It was perfect. Not like the others, which were either hungry and dirty, or soft and light. This was perfect. It was intense, but true. And it was beautiful.

"Get a room, you two," came a familiar, snarky voice. James, Sirius and Peter were standing in front of the show. James and Sirius smirked, while Peter looked absolutely flabbergasted.

"What do you call _this_ then?" asked Severus, waving at the hospital interior. 

James gave a small laugh, as Sirius raised his eyebrows at him. But a quick glance from Remus, and he was ready to get friendly with Severus forever. He let out the small chuckle he'd been holding.

"I guess we'll just leave then," said a smirking Sirius. And he added a "Don't get too naughty!" over his shoulder, earning him a glare from the approaching Madam Pomfrey.

"Thank god Remus called me when he did How are you feeling today?" she asked gently. She felt a little guilty for not noticing before, though the relief took over fully.

"Umm, I- I'm not sure, but, I guess- good enough i suppose," pondered Severus, still trying to sort it out in his mind.

And snapping back to reality, he realised the massive apology he must've owed Remus. For putting Remus through all of this shit, it was a surprise Remus never left.

"I'm so, so sorry," said Severus, voice breaking and heavy with guilt.

"No, don't be sorry," replied Remus gently, with a faint smile and heavy, emotional eyes. "Remember what I said? Don't ever apologise for being human."

Severus smiled, before a scared Madam Pomfrey rushed Remus back out. Glimpsing at the clock, Severus realised it was four in the afternoon. And that Remus had been missing classes. Smirking to himself, as he filled with warmness, he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that was some painful research i had to do. and thank god this fic is ending.


	15. Holding hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my dear lord, thank the stars and all things unholy, this is finally finished.

Severus let his right hand trail over the wood of the bed frame below him. His fingers traced over the carvings of wood, the vandalised words in a messy haze of hormones and excitement. 

Although he didn't feel definitively sad, there was something tugging onto his heart, keeping him from feeling the fullness of happiness. And whether it was guilt, or the lingering ghost of what he'd done, it had carved a hole in him, eating him away.

It was almost like sadness, but without the tears. Like everything had disappeared, and he was left with emptiness. Though he knew that ignoring Rmus wasn't helping, but facing the guilt was just too difficult. But he wanted something, anything to fill that void.

Footsteps could be heard from outside suddenly snapped Severus back to reality. His throbbing arm and knee, and his tired body leaning on the bed.

A familiar figure appeared at the door of the hospital wing. Severus had been dreading this moment, though something inside of him longed to see the warm eyes fill up his soul again.

"Oh thank Merlin you're awake," he said in a soft voice. "How are you?"

It felt like something had warmed him up slightly, though his chest felt tightly bound. He gave a small chuckle, and pushed himself up with one hand. "I really don't know."

"Why?" Remus sat down, and combed Severus's hair with his fingers. His soft scars traveled over his nose, and his curly hair was wild.

"I don't know. I just- I feel so, I don't know, numb sometimes. And I'm so scared. I was doing so well, and suddenly this happened," said Severus, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. He looked down, hugging one of his knees.

"I'm really sorry. I love you so damn much, and Merlin, I wish i could stop all of this. I wish I could make you better, trust me, if i could take away all the pain, I would. Just know, I know it isn't always easy, but I'll always be with you. Really, I'll always be with you."

Severus swallowed the lump in his throat, and turned to look at Remus whose eyes were filled with care. Words were caught at the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't form them in a way that could truly show how much that hit him.

"Thank you, so much. That- that really means a lot to me," Severus said, voice cracking. "You know, you really helped me, whether you knew it or not."\

"Honestly, i can't bear to see you in pain, or- you know- unhappy."

"Really? That really does mean a lot, I mean, I never thought you cared at the start," replied Severus with a small smile.

"I've liked you from the start. Ever wondered why I tried to get the others to stop? Although, sorry, I should've tried harder."

"Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?" asked Severus, heart thumping against his chest. "Not just on the outside, on the inside too."

* * *

"Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?" asked Severus. "Not just on the outside, on the inside too."

Something in Remus broke open, light escaping from everywhere. He'd never felt this far up on happiness and emotion. It wasn't something that'd usually get him excited, but hearing it come out of Severus's mouth changed him.

And for the first time, Remus actually felt like he could believe it. There's no way Severus's tone was fake, it was heavy with empathy. For once, Remus actually felt beautiful. He doubted his father's words for the first time, that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't the monster everyone made him to be.

"I- uh- yeah, but I never really believed til now, so..."

"Remus look at me, you're beautiful." Severus pushed himself up, as Remus looked up from the floor. "I'm really not just saying this, I mean it. It's the first thought I had when I you came up to me that day. And when you found out about this," he waved his left arm weakly "you didn't run away, like others would've. You stayed, and tried to help. Listen, Remus, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met, and ever will meet."

Remus muffled a sniff, and tears coated his eyes. To hear Severus say that was definitely something. "Ha, thanks, that's- that's really nice. I- oh sweet Merlin, I love you."

Their lips met again, softly and briefly, sharing the broken light of each other.

"Can I tell you something?" asked Remus, looking down and biting his lip. Seeing Severus nod, he continued. "I've hated myself a lot for a really long time. I mean, the reason I was bitten was becuase my dad thought all werewolves deserve to die. And he did keep apologising, but I can tell he doesn't really mean it."

"Oh god, I'm sorry. You know what, I'll try my best later to change things for you, but for now, know that if your father doesn't, I love you."

Severus leaned his forehead over Remus's, and felt their warmth almost connect. He could feel Severus's breaths against his face, as his soft skin rubbed ever so lightly against his own.

* * *

Severus was to stay in hospital for a week, just in case. So Remus came to visit, bringing him books and sometimes even his chocolate with him. And he'd spend almost hours just staring at Severus sleeping. Looking relaxed, like there wasn't a care in the world.

Sometimes they'd kiss, sometimes they'd talk. And though they saw each other everyday, they missed the raw and true togetherness. Where they had the privacy and space to love each other while they still could.

And as the week drew to a close, Severus pondered whether the entire of Hogwarts was ready to know yet. He didn't want to hide it. He wanted the entire world to know. But rumours spread like wildfire. Although, his parents knew already.

If the others didn't have to hide it, why did he? He'd seen Mulciber and his girlfriend snog like crazy in public. Remus and him should be allowed to at least hold hands. They weren't doing anything wrong, no matter how much his father said so. His father was a part of the past.

* * *

So the morning Severus was released came over, Severus was nervous. Leaning on Remus's shoulder, he climbed out of the bed. and into his shoes. Stretching his ands above to ease the knot in his chest, he walked a few steps forward, and clumsily fell into Remus's arms.

Remus let a grin take over him, as he helped Severus back up. They locked eyes for a moment, and were suddenly pulled back in time to the bathroom stalls, whick Remus had chased Severus into. The memory seemed to reach both of them, as they both let out a faint smile.

And the subtle way they'd decided to come out had brought nerves to Severus now. Severus gave Remus a look that seeked assurance, and got a warm smile and a squeeze on the hand. They walked out of the hospital wing, into the slightly full great hall. 

Eyes followed them as they walked down. It felt like time had stood still, as they walked past the blurry noise of the great hall, A few whistles and claps could be heard, as well as many whispers. But at the moment, Severus was proud. He couldn't have cared whether the others liked it or not. He loved Remus, and nothing was going to get in between them.

It was relatively quiet as they walked towrds the table, until Remus's friends started cheering like crazy. They were clapping and screaming, looking like proud parents. From the corner of his eye, he saw a few of the teachers smile.

Severus was ready for more though. He didn't care. He wanted it more. It was all or nothing. He took remus's hand, and faced towards him. And then their lips were crashing together, fighting but playing with each other, the taste filling their mouths.

As the bliss faded away when they broke apart, they rested their foreheads on each other. 

"I love you."

"I love you too."

The numbness and depression almost never visited them again. They finally had someone to love, someone to talk to. After all this time, the broken boys were finally happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for sitting through this shit. im glad you seemed to enjoy it, and i have to admit, i did like writing some of it. and oh god, thank you for all the kudos and comments, they mean so much to me!
> 
> oh and also im planning to orphan this work really soon, just so it doesnt confuse anyone. and sorry for the crappy chapters, and for like, the lack of fluff.
> 
> so yeah, thanks so much!


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